


Vanilla Blue

by hollo



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-31
Updated: 2014-01-11
Packaged: 2017-11-13 05:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 33,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/500095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollo/pseuds/hollo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drunken dares can never lead to anything good... or can they?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drunk

Title: Vanilla Blue  
Author: Zoshi the Confused  
Rating: PG-13 to M (eventually)  
Category: South Park

Genre: General/Romance

Contains: (or will contain) Violence, Adult Situations, Swearing, SHOUNEN-AI - BOYLOVE

* * *

The ceiling above him was going in and out of focus, and wavering unsteadily. Kyle watched it in awe as it slowly began to spin one way, then another. His friend's voices were fading, then growing loud again, and he rolled his eyes to the sides to try to look at them. No luck. It might've been better if he'd actually try to move his head too, but damn, the ground was so comfortable. He just didn't feel like it.

"Duuude…" He said finally, "Dude, I'm so fucking drunk…"

Maniacal laughter burst out from his left, fading quickly into what sounded like wet giggles.

"Shut up ya freak…" Another voice broke out on his right, sounding more drunk than he felt.

"Allrigh', dudes, allrigh', listen…" Kyle felt footsteps on the floor, and he rolled over to look at Cartman as he attempted to sit on the couch. There was a loud thump as he totally missed it, followed by raucous laughter from the other three boys. "Shut up, hos! I'm seriously, guys, I'm seriously… like… like, I got it… its perp… per… perfect for you fags… All righ'? All righ'?

"Either spit it out or jus' shut yer fuckin' trap, ya fatass fucker…" Kenny drawled out from his spot by the TV stand. Kyle burst out laughing, curling up on himself. God, the drunker Kenny got, the more white trash he sounded.

"Whadjoo laffin' at, red? Huh? Djoo think som… somethin's funny or somethin'?"

Kyle just laughed harder.

"Shut up, fags! You fuckin'… fuckin' … fuck…" Cartman shook his head, gripping the ground tightly as the sudden movement threatened to make him tip over. "All righ', Its mah turn, righ'?"

"Git on wittit!" Kenny growled out, followed by a thump. Kyle pushed himself upright, tottering only slightly as he did. He could see Stan now, laying on the couch with his head hanging down off the seat. He was staring, glazed-eyed, at some point in the distance and snickering to himself. And, Kyle saw with wonder, he had a beer can balanced on his stomach. Fucking A, man. A fucking beer can balanced on his fucking stomach. Kyle was in awe, and stared at him for a while. Why couldn't he balance a beer can on his stomach? He put his hands to his own stomach, looking down at it angrily.

Well, stomach? Why? Why aren't you that cool, huh? He glared at it, poking a finger at it. You just have to be a total loser stomach, huh? You fucking loser…

"Listen, listen… all righ'? Listen…" Cartman said, and they all quieted down as he paused. The silence lengthened, and Cartman continued to stare at nothing with an intense look of concentration on his face.

"Dude… wha' the fuck we listenin' for?" Stan asked finally, turning his eyes to the other boy.

"Shhhh… all righ', all righ'… ya fags… I got it…" Cartman turned a triumphant smile at Kyle. As drunk as he was, Kyle was certain a smile like that could only bring trouble, and he frowned. Cartman. Happy. Bad. It was all he could think of right then.

"All righ', Jew boy! Po' boy! I hate you both!" Cartman said with glee, pausing again. There was an irritated snort from behind Kyle, and for a moment the boy thought that the TV had come to life, but then remembered that Kenny was behind him, still by the TV stand, presumably.

"No fuckin' sh-hit." Kenny slurred, and Kyle giggled. There wasn't anything to giggle about, but he did it anyway. It was fun, actually, and he giggled again, and again, finally ending up snorting and nearly falling over.

"That… that's not a dare… Car'man…" Stan said slowly, as if he was making a momentous observance. "That… I.. I don't think that is…"

"Shut up! All righ'? I'm seriously, I got… I got this ahh-ww-some idea… " Cartman cast a glare in Stan's general direction. "The… the people I fuckin' hate…"

"Me?" Kyle asked, patting his hair for no reason. His hat. Where was his hat? He cast a bleary-eyed gaze around the room. Hat, hat…

"Yeah, yeah… All righ'? You and po' boy? All righ'?" Cartman said, motioning to them. "The dare… You two.. Like, fuck… all righ'? You two're gonna… You're gonna like, suck face, all righ'?"

"Duuude…" Stan spoke up, waving an arm around aimlessly. "Duuude, that's like… that's… so, like, fuckin' gay… dude…"

Cartman turned a look of what he thought was extreme patience at Stan, but really it just made him look constipated.

"That's… that's… because they fuckin' are… all righ'? They're fags… you're a fag…" Cartman pointed at Stan as best he could with his arm waving around like that. "You're all f…f… fucking fags!"

"FUCK." Kenny's voice suddenly burst out, and Kyle found himself laying facedown on the floor. He pushed himself up slowly, looking at the floor curiously. I like you, mister floor. Seriously. But not like that, dude.

"So… like… wha… wha're… what're we doin'?" Kyle questioned no one in particular. There was a grumbling coming up behind him, and suddenly Kenny dropped onto the ground next to him. The blond fixed him with a critical gaze, an amazing feat considering he was weaving side to side even while sitting on the floor.

"Kayl…" Kenny said, putting a hand on the other boy's shoulder to steady himself. "Kayl… 're you a gurl?"

Kyle blinked, considering the question. He put his hands on his chest, feeling. Nope, no boobs. He dropped his hands to his pants. Ah, all right then. He knew the answer.

"No." He said, grinning. Yes, he was going to ace  _this_  exam.

"You… you shur?" Kenny slurred, still eyeing him suspiciously. "You shur yer not a gurl?"

"T… totally…" Kyle nodded his head. He kept nodding for a while, but had to stop finally because everything around him was getting whirly again.

"Eh, fags! You gonna do it?" Cartman yelled at them, laughing. Stan joined in the laughing, and Kyle glared, but he forgot to turn his head and ended up glaring at Kenny. The blond glared back.

"Whodaya thin' yer glaring' at, bitch?" Kenny slurred.

"Stan." Kyle replied, confused.

"I'm not Stan…" Kenny said, then poked Kyle in the forehead, realized he aimed too high, and fixed that by almost poking him in the eye, realized he missed again, and gave up as he continued. "Ya need yer glasses, boy, yer blaind wit'ou' 'em…"  
"Dude…" Kyle said, finally getting around to realizing that the blond had poked him in the face. "Dude.'

"You keep stallin', I ain't gonna bring any mor' beer down, all righ'? All righ'?" Cartman threatened.

"Fuck, I think he's ser… seri.. Seris…fuck… I think he means it…" Stan gurgled as he attempted to drink the rest of his beer while still laying upside down on the couch.

Kyle blinked in confusion, still looking at Kenny. Kenny had blue eyes. Wow. Like, totally blue.

Wow.

"Fuck this shi-it, I need booooze…" Kenny wobbled a little, then grabbed Kyle by the back of the head and pulled him close. Piss drunk as he was, he still managed to be right on target, not that that was any surprise. This  _was_  Kenny, after all.

Kyle didn't react at first, confused even more by the fact that Kenny's lips were on his. Then Cartman's dare, finishing its first lap around his mind, came back to him, and his confusion faded. Oh. And there was a good chance he would've just sat there and rode it out, if not for the fact that he realized that Kenny had kissed him first.

Fuck. Kyle realized that, by letting another guy kiss him fist, his very  _manliness_  as a  _man_  was at stake.

Well, well fuck that! There was no way he was letting any guy out-man him. Angry, Kyle decided to do what any guy in his place would do.

He kissed back.

Fuck, no. He  _dominated_ the kiss back. He  _totally fucking rocked_  the kiss back.

Kenny grunted in surprise, but didn't pull back at the assault.

Ha! Thought Kyle, Ha! Who's the fucking bitch now?

He was, apparently, because not long after he'd begun his assault, Kenny upped the ante and stuck his tongue in his mouth.

Oh, so that's how you're gonna play, huh? Kyle thought, determined to be no worse, and stuck his tongue right on into Kenny's mouth. Oh yeah, two can play this game.

Somewhere in the background he could hear Stan ask Cartman how long this was supposed to go on, but he didn't really pay attention to it. There were more important things going on, here.

He was locked in a fucking epic battle, here.

He didn't know what the battle was about, but he was sure it must've been about something important, considering the fact that he now was all out tongue-wrestling with Kenny. The blond was putting up a good fight, but Kyle thought he as gaining a winning edge.

He wondered, suddenly, if ashtrays tasty as gaggingly-smoky as Kenny's mouth. For real, he could barely taste any beer, and he knew Kenny had knocked down more cans than all the rest of them put together. It was interesting, how much does a person have to smoke before the smokiness beats out the beer taste? He decided he'd ask Kenny later, at a time when their mouths weren't so occupied by each other.

Funny, he hadn't noticed when his hand had made it to Kenny's head, but now his fingers were twisting in the others boy's hair. It really wasn't as greasy as Kyle had thought it would be.

He gripped his hand in that hair and adjusted his position. Kenny was giving in, it seemed. Not pulling back, just complying more readily to the way Kyle's lips and tongue were moving.

Fuck yeah, who's the bitch now? Kyle thought, You're the bitch, that's right.

He felt a strange thrill run through him as he renewed his assault. Sure, he was getting a little tired, and the lack of air was becoming a pain, but hell, he wasn't going to stop until Kenny was totally, and completely, dominated.

Hell yeah.

It actually didn't take long for him to accomplish his goal. Not long after Kyle began his second assault, the blond began to take more than give. Kyle found himself being the aggressor, still holding on to the blond's hair with an iron grip. It was totally unnecessary, as Kenny wasn't showing any signs of pulling back anytime soon. Kyle realized that he'd accomplished his mission, whatever that had been, but, honestly, he didn't feel like stopping either.

Weird.

Air loss finally got the best of them, and the two boys pulled away, wheezing and gasping noisily as they stared at each other. Kenny looked up at Kyle with dazed eyes, and Kyle was surprised to find that he'd unconsciously sat on the other boy, and that they were half-laying on the floor, with Kenny's bent arms being their sole support. They stared at each other some more, thoughts moving sluggishly in their heads.

"Dude….fuck… dude, you taste like shit…" Kyle said finally, moving back off of the blond. Kenny just collapsed on the floor, still wheezing slightly.

"Yah.. Yah, well… so're you…" Kenny slurred, apparently too tired to focus more on what to say. Or maybe all that air loss gave him some brain damage.

"All right, Car'man, beer!" Stan said, twisting off the couch. He landed on the floor with a loud 'oof!' and lay there for a moment to let the world stop spinning so much.

Cartman ignored him, laughing wildly in his seat by the couch. Kyle glared at him blearily, then stood up on shaky legs and wobbled his way over to Stan. He nudged his friend with his shoe, eliciting a grunt.

"Dude, beer." Kyle said, trying to keep steady on his feet. Stan rolled onto his back and held up his arms, and Kyle frowned at them, confused.

"…pull me up, dude…" Stan wiggled his hands, and after moment of thought Kyle complied. There was a second when they almost fell onto one another, but then they were both standing, and, using each other as crutches, they wobbled their way to the stairs that led out of the basement.

"Dude… that was, like… like, it was… fucking… yeah… like, it was fucking awesome…" Stan laughed, and Kyle joined in.

Whatever.

Damn, they were  _drunk_.

* * *

"Kie-yole! Get up! You'll be late for school! And on the first day, too…"

Kyle groaned, holding his pillow over his head. For some strange reason, his headphones were on and his iPod was blasting music in his ears. Not a good thing when you had a headache the size of Texas, and the beginning signs of nausea that would certainly be sending you to the bathroom soon.

Fucking hangover.

He tossed the pillow off of his head, glancing around his room blearily. His eyes felt crusty, and his mouth tasted weird. Gah, he stuck his tongue out and grimaced. He dug around the bed for a while, without moving from his laying-on-stomach position, before finding his iPod buried under the covers somewhere around his thighs. He grunted, pulling it out and almost choking himself on the cord as it tightened around his neck. Disentangling himself meant having to move, and that meant moving slowly so his stomach wouldn't protest before he was ready to make the mad dash to the bathroom. For a moment his mind found itself focused on the words blaring into his ears before he powered the iPod off.

… _that's why I call you… my sweet vanilla blue…_

He frowned, memories of the last night and the dreams after coming back to him. Not that he really remembered much. Truthfully, it was all just hazy images and sounds and weird stuff like that. His dreams were just as strange, and all he could get out of them was blond and blue, and the strong taste of smoke and ash. He grimaced; his tongue felt all velvet-like fuzzy, and he stuck it out and licked his pillow in an effort to get rid of the feeling. Wrong move, he realized, and found himself slapping a hand to his mouth.

Fuck. And Stan was supposed to be the one with the weak stomach.

He groaned inwardly, ripping the headphones off his head and stumbling out his door and down the hallway to the bathroom. Slamming the door behind him, he managed to make it to the toilet before his stomach revolted.

Oh yes. A wonderful start to his junior year.

He should remember to thank Cartman later. Thank him  _very nicely_.


	2. Hangover

The day could not get any worse.

 

Kyle had spent the morning classes zoning out and trying to keep his head from exploding. The five Advils he took that morning refused to go to work, and each time the bell rang he found himself moaning from the pain Pain! Why did it have to hurt so bad?

He'd spent lunch in the bathroom, savoring the silence that he would never be able to find in the crowded cafeteria, silence only interrupted by Stan's not-quite-but-bordering-on-often visits to see if he was all right. That had been the highlight of his day so far.

After lunch was 5th period PE, which meant a lot of screaming, yelling, and running around that he just wasn't up for. The first day of school and he'd already got called out for being slow and a whiner.

Now, he sat in his  _wonderful_  6th period Art's Appreciation class, staring randomly off into space and trying to keep from moving his head too much. Slumped in his chair, tuning out the teacher's boring drone, he thought he might just be able to make it through the rest of school.

A snicker to his left made him grimace.

Then again, he might not.

Kyle turned his head, slowly, slowly, and sent a glare at the blond sitting at the desk next to him.

Kenny smirked.

Kenny smirked because, even after downing more beer than Kyle could even imagine, he was in school, with no hangover, no headache, no  _nothing._

Kyle cursed Kenny's stupid fucking  _Irish blood_  and turned back to face the front of the class. Two classes left in the day, and two long hours during which Kenny could, if he wanted, continue to remind him that while he was suffering, Kenny wasn't.

Kyle wondered briefly when Kenny had become so… cruel? No, that still sounded wrong. Kenny had always been a good friend, and he still was, and despite being a total pervert and having a  _liver of IRON_ , Kyle doubted the boy would ever change.

Maybe, yeah, maybe this was one of the only times Kenny felt he could one up the rest of them. Yeah, that made sense. What with Kyle dominating the academic, Stan (with the help of his asthma meds) dominating sports, and Cartman dominating… er, whatever it was Cartman felt like dominating at the moment before he got bored, there really wasn't much left for Kenny. Except for that dying thing, but that sort of got boring somewhere during fourth grade.

The bell rang suddenly, and Kyle whimpered, closing his eyes. The pain! Won't it ever go away…?

A hand on his shoulder made him open his eyes again, and he stared at his desktop dumbly for a moment. Apparently, while whimpering, he'd also ducked his head and covered his ears. Funny how automatic those sort of responses are.

"C'mon dude, study time…" Kenny's voice reached him, and Kyle groaned.

"Let me die in peace…" He closed his eyes again, wishing the throbbing in his head would subside, either that or get so painful that he'd pass out. Yeah, he'd go for that.

"All right, I will, but only after you get to study." Kyle felt Kenny put his hands beneath his armpits and attempt to haul him out of his seat.

For no reason whatsoever, he grabbed onto his desktop and didn't let go.

Kenny grunted and pulled harder.

Kyle still didn't let go.

Kenny pulled so hard Kyle felt his shoulder's creak.

He still didn't let go.

"Boys, is there a problem?" The teacher's voice reached them. She sounded slightly surprised.

"No ma'am," Kenny gasped, pulling on Kyle again. "No problem here."  
Kyle let go his death-grip on the desk at that point, and with the sudden release he was snapped out of his seat.

"Shit!" Kenny yelped as he stumbled back. Kyle heard the scrape of desk feet, and then they were both sprawled on the floor.

His head hurt even more now.

"Dammit Kyle!" Kenny was rubbing his head and glaring balefully down at the redhead. Kyle glared back at him, slowly pushing himself off of the floor.

"Its your own stupid fault… stupid…" Kyle groaned as he pulled himself up, using his chair for support. He looked at the front of the class and noticed that the teacher was giving them a  _very_  amused look. He frowned and turned away, trying to find his things.

His bag was on the floor. Having his bag on the floor meant having to lean over to pick it up. He stared at it thoughtfully, wondering just how much the movement would make his head hurt, when the bag suddenly disappeared.

_Disappeared._

"What?" He said, still staring at the spot where it had been. Suddenly he was being pushed down the aisle and out the classroom door. "What?"

"Move it Kyle! We're gonna be fucking late…" Kenny growled from behind him, his hands still on the redhead's shoulders.

"Wait… Since when are you worried about getting late to class?" Kyle asked, turning his head to try to look at the other boy. Bad move, now the pain in his head was fluctuating, like a little fucking  _wave machine_ going off inside of it.

"Ever since the shitty-ass dick they call a principal said I'd be expelled if I'm late to any of my classes on the first day of school…" Kenny muttered.

"Ahh… so that's why they called you in first period." Kyle felt special for having remembered something from first period. The only other thing he could remember in the haze that was that day's morning was that it came before second period.

Now he remembered why he hated drinking, he hated feeling so goddamn stupid afterwards.

Finally, they reached the classroom where study was held. It wasn't so much a classroom as a small auditorium. Seats were scattered throughout the room, but more students were sitting on the floor than in them. As soon as they were inside, Kyle spotted a nice, dark corner on the far side of the room, and without waiting for Kenny made a beeline for it. Once in it he collapsed into a small ball and closed his eyes, trying to tune everything out.

His head still hurt. Fuck.

"Kenny?" He whimpered, hoping the other boy was somewhere near him.

"Yeah?" The boy responded from somewhere above him.

"Can you pet me?" Kyle whimpered again.

"…what?" That was total what-the-fuck-ness in his tone.

"Can you pet me? Like, my head? Maybe it'll stop hurting so much…" Kyle whimpered for the third time. Dammit. The pain.

"Dude." Kenny said.

"Yes?" Kyle said.

"I'm not Stan."

Kyle thought that over for a second, and realized how true it was. Stupid Stan, he decided, Stupid Stan and his Stupid 7th period Geometry.

"You suck Kenny…" Kyle groaned, shifting on the ground.

"Yeah, I know…" Kenny said, and Kyle heard him sit down on the ground next to him. They stayed like that in silence for a long while, Kenny only speaking up for both of them during roll call.

Kyle kept whimpering at odd moments, hating himself for it. Dammit, he wasn't supposed to show weakness. He was a  _man_ , dammit. Men don't whimper like babies when their heads hurt.

But, then again, this wasn't a regular headache. This was more like jagged-machete-to-the-brain headache, so maybe it was acceptable in this instance.

The worst part, the  _worst part_ , was that it wasn't going away. No, it wouldn't, would it? With each moment that passed, the pounding in his head got worse, and worse, and he started getting this weird taste in his mouth and he didn't know why. He was totally and fully miserable, and vowed to himself never to touch alcohol again in his life. Ever. It was too much trouble. And ended with too much pain.

Misery suddenly began to fade, and, confused, he pulled his thoughts out of himself and began paying attention to what was going on around him. His headache was fading, slightly, or at least it wasn't pulsing red heat through his brain anymore, and… a hand was gently patting him on the head.

Hm. Maybe Kenny  _didn't_  suck.

"Thanks Kenny…" He murmured, grinning to himself. He heard the blond sigh irritably.

"You owe me…" Kenny muttered, but didn't stop moving his hand over Kyle's hair. "…this is so fucking gay…"

They were silent for a few moments longer, when suddenly a question popped into Kyle's mind…

_How much do you have to smoke before…_

"Kenny…" Kyle began, then stopped when he realized what he was about to ask.

"Yeah?" Kenny asked, sounding interested. They  _had_  been sitting there for almost over a half-hour in total and complete silence.

Kyle stayed silent for a moment, trying to figure out where a question like that would come to him from. Smoky taste versus beer taste? What the hell was that about? Where'd he pull a crazy-ass question like that fro-

Oh.

OH.

"Nevermind." Kyle muttered, curling up so he could hide his face better.

Suddenly, the jagged-machete-to-the-brain thing didn't feel that bad.

* * *

Kyle watched as Stan loaded his straw with soda and spit it out at another pigeon. Kenny was on the other side of Stan, scowling now that it looked like Stan had hit his target.

 

"Ha! That's five,  _in a row_  no less…" Stan grinned smugly, leaning back on the wall they were all sitting on.

"Yeah? You think you're all awesome, huh? We'll see about that…" Kenny said, preparing his own onslaught of pepsi on the unsuspecting pigeons in front of them.

Kyle watched for a moment longer, then turned his head to the fourth member of their group. Cartman was sitting on the ground, back to the wall, and rubbing his temples fitfully. Kyle grinned evilly, happy that not only was he not the only one with a massive headache, but that the other person suffering was Cartman.

"Hey, Cartman!" Kyle yelled out, having leaned over so that he was closer to the other boy.

"GODDAMMIT JEW!" Cartman cried out, whipping an arm out to whack Kyle in the leg. The redhead laughed, but had to stop with a wince when his own head started throbbing again. The two fell silent, each nursing his own wounds.

"That's number four… fuck yeah…" Kenny said, picking out his next feathered victim. Stan sat anxiously next to him, apparently entirely engrossed in their game.

Kyle frowned, his gaze falling on the hooded-blond. Thanks to that wonderful moment of clarity in study, where things that probably should have been forgotten popped up to bite him in the ass, he'd spent a good deal of time wondering.

Wondering whether Kenny remembered any of it or not. Wondering why he was staying quiet about it if he did remember. Wondering if he was staying quiet about it because he was embarrassed. Wondering why he, himself, didn't feel as embarrassed as he thought he should in a situation like this.

Interesting.

Maybe because it was  _Kenny_. Even though he'd never thought about it before, he guessed it should have been somewhat logical to think that someday, one of them would end up lip-locking with the blond.

Logical, yes. Sure.

…

 _Why_ , again, was that logical?

Kyle continued to frown in Kenny's direction, mulling the thoughts over in his brain. He hadn't reached a conclusion he liked to anything at the moment, and that was getting him thoroughly annoyed. He was so deep in thought over those matters that at first he didn't realize that Kenny was staring back at him, frowning also.

"What?" Kenny asked, and Kyle blinked.

"Uh, nothing…" Kyle said, grinning sheepishly. "Er, sorta spaced out there…"

Kenny raised an eyebrow, but grinned good-naturedly and went back to blowing soda on unwary pigeons.

Kyle frowned again as soon as the blonde turned away, but this time he turned his gaze elsewhere. He was aware that Stan had turned to look at him, but pretended not to notice as he tried to refocus his thoughts.

Huh, he thought. Blue.

Wow.

"Oh, hey!" Stan suddenly got excited, his voice scattering the pigeons. Kyle looked around as the birds fluttered around, then turned to his friend, puzzled.

"What?" He asked, wondering what got his friend so excited. Dammit. Didn't Stan have a hangover too? That's it, that's another thing to add to his Stupid Stan list: Stupid Stan and His Stupid No-Hangover Even Though He's Not Irish.

"Did you guys hear?" Stan looked at all of them in turn excitedly, then locked onto Kyle. Of course. He always locked onto Kyle. It was endearing. "Did you?"

"Stan. Your hyperness at this point in time is  _grating_. Just say it." Kyle said, looking at the dark-haired boy levelly. He got a bright grin back.

"They're already planning the Homecoming!" He said, just as excitedly as before. "They're starting early this year, and there's already a committee getting together and stuff."

"And why, why, why are we supposed to be excited about this?" Cartman muttered, glaring up at the others. He always included all of them in his glares. Kyle glared back at him, just because. Honestly, did he really  _need_  a reason to glare at Cartman?

"Because, that means there's going to be a Homecoming dance. And because we're juniors now, we can actually go to the real dance, and not that stupid-ass mixer thing they have before it." Stan said, looking at Cartman like he was an idiot. Kyle agreed with that.

"Whoohoo! All right!" Kenny burst out happily. "Girls!"

"Totally, dude. Girls." Stan nodded, grinning widely.

"Ah-ha." Kyle said. Stan and Kenny looked at him expectantly, and he frowned. "What?"

"Ah-ha. That's it?" Stan said, looking at him in slight disbelief. Kyle sighed, rolling his eyes to the heavens.

"Yes, I understand the magnitude of awesome that this is, but the fact that my head is ready to implode itself sort of puts a damper on everything. Tell me again tomorrow, I promise a better reaction." He said, looking at Stan and shrugging. Stan looked at him, pity in his eyes.  _Pity!_  Kyle frowned at him to let him know that he didn't need his fucking pity. Stan frowned back to tell him that he'd have to deal with the pity, like it or not, and that's that.

And Cartman continued to glare at all of them, muttering under his breath.


	3. Chapter 3

Two weeks of projects, homework, and listening to Stan talk excitedly about Homecoming helped Kyle push aside all thoughts on that thing he was getting annoyed with because he couldn’t get anywhere while thinking about it.

            You know, that thing.

            And it seemed that all would be well, and that that thing, whatever it had been, would remain buried away in the back of his mind, to be recalled when he was 80 and well past the years of wondering about it, so that he could laugh at himself and tell him what a stupid kid he was.

            It would have, really.

            Except that he was in study, and he’d just looked when he heard a noise, and his eyes had just locked onto blue eyes held a mere inch and a half away from his face. He would’ve moved back, but found that he really didn’t feel like moving back, because. Well. Damn. _Blue_.

            “Kyle.” Kenny said, crouched in front of him.

            “Kenny.” Kyle said, not moving and trying to ignore an itch that popped up suddenly in the middle of his back. That annoyed him, and not the fact that Kenny was so close. Yes. Because Kenny usually did get close when he wanted something, and usually got close to him, and usually did it when Kyle was entirely totally into writing a 5 page essay on the symbolism of flies in the poems of Emily Dickinson that was due in his Honors Lit. class in two days.

            Yes. It was the itch, indeed.

            “I need you.” Kenny said seriously, his eyes staring deep into Kyle’s.

            _Wham._

            Suddenly all those repressed dreams about blonde-and-blue-and-smoky and those memories and those thoughts and wondering that had kept him up at night those couple weeks ago were back, popping off in his head as he stared dumbly at the blond in front of him.

            Seriously, he suddenly had _popcorn_ for brains.

                “Wha…what?” Kyle managed, trying to stifle the onslaught. He wished Kenny would move back, just a little, but the blond stayed where he was. Less than inches away from him. Staring at him in a way that would make anyone looking at them think bad thoughts.

            Fuck. Petting his head was gay, and this _wasn’t_?  
            “Dude. I don’t know what the fuck to do.” Kenny continued, “You gotta help me.”

            “Help you? With what?” Kyle was utterly confused. The only thing he ever found himself helping anyone with lately was schoolwork. But Kenny didn’t really give a crap about schoolwork. So.

            “I don’t know what to do about Homecoming.” Kenny’s hard eyed gaze turned anxious then, pleading.

            “Uh. Okay.” Kyle said, confused. Totally confused. “What?”

            “Like, see, I could always get off on not going before, right, because it was just that stupid one hour chat-a-thon before…” Kenny said, wringing his hands. “But, dude, I’m not gonna get out of it this year. I _know_ Stan’s gonna drag all of us there.”

            “But… I thought you were excited about it…” Kyle said slowly. Kenny sighed as he sat back, looking around the room and biting his lip. Kyle let out a breath, feeling a little lightheaded. His heart was pounding; strange. But then again, they were doing some pretty strenuous exercises in PE, and the teacher was really forcing him since he thought Kyle was still a whiner. It was probably just his blood sugar dropping, he’d have to remember to grab something before study was over.

            “I am, but Kyle…” Kenny looked back at him, desperate, and his voice dropped low. “I don’t have anything to wear to it.”

            “Buh…” Kyle realized he didn’t really have a response, but Kenny’s worried look made him start trying to think of ideas. It’d be easier if he wasn’t looking at him like that. Really. I mean, can anyone think when they’re being stared at?

            “Well, I mean, if you want, maybe you can borrow some of my stuff.” Kyle said finally, “I mean, you’re a little shorter than me, but we’re both pretty skinny, so…”

            “Really? Honestly dude?” Kenny perked up, grinning.

            “Yeah. Sure.” Kyle said, grinning back. Ha. Kenny was so happy. How fun.

            “Awesome! Dude, you’re so fucking cool…” Kenny gave his shoulder a friendly shove in thanks. Kyle felt his heart beat faster suddenly. Damn, he really needed to start watching his food intake again. And just when he thought he’d had it figured out.

            “Hey, Kenny, do me a favor?” Kyle said. Kenny looked at him brightly, eyes still shining happily.

Ugh. _Dizzy…_

            “Can you go grab me a soda?” Kyle asked, putting a hand to his head.

            “Sure,” Kenny stood up, ready to go, then stopped and frowned down at the redhead. “You’re not gonna get the shakes, are you?”

            “Not if you get me a soda.” Kyle grinned wryly up at the blond.

            “All right, back in a flash.” Kenny grinned, taking off. He was back soon, and after handing over the can he plopped down on the ground next to Kyle and began telling him all his plans on how to get who to go with him to the dance. Kyle nodded at all the right parts, but he wasn’t really paying that much attention, because twenty minutes later Kenny’s knee was still touching his, and his heart was still fluttering, and even though he’d emptied the can long ago, the soda really hadn’t helped that much.

 

***

 

            “Kyle! KYYLLLEEE!”

            The red head whipped around, pointing.

            “STAAANN!”

            “KYYLLEE!”

            “STAANN!”  
            “SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FAGS!”

            Kyle shot Cartman a nasty look as Stan jogged up to them.

            “Hey, where’s Kenny?” Stan asked, looking around. Kyle shrugged, he hadn’t seen the blond since they’d parted ways after school.

            “Him and Token got into some shit again and he got shoved into the street like the fucking idiot he is…” Cartman said, giving Stan a hard look. “What the hell are we doing here, anyway?”

            _Here_ being the mall that sat on the boundary of both South Park and North Park.

            “Duh. We’re picking up girls,” Stan said, rolling his eyes. Kyle also rolled his eyes, and crossed his arms too, for effect.

            “Duh.” He said, then added. “Lardass.”  
            “Fuck off, Jew.” Cartman growled, glaring murder. Kyle returned the look, although he didn’t know why Cartman still got pissed over stuff like that. He wasn’t as morbidly obese as he’d been when he was younger; actually, he was only a bit chubbier than average now. That still didn’t change the fact that he was a selfish egotistical pig, of course.

            “And who, exactly, did you have your eyes on, pray tell?” Cartman asked, looking around their area with a frown. Stan glanced around, searching, then nodded to the left.

            “Those fine pieces of lady over there,” He said, grinning. He fixed a glinty-eyed look on Cartman, grinning slyly. “And hey, there’s a chubby one, she might even go for _you_ … you know, what with you two having so much in common…”

            “Keep that up, douche, and you’ll be fucking lucky to be _alive_ for homecoming…” Cartman growled, but turned to check out the girls anyway.

                Kyle glanced over too, eyeing the three critically. A blond and two brunettes, it looked like, but he thought he could see the blond’s roots growing in. Eh, fake blond. Didn’t mean she wouldn’t be a total ditz. He’d known smart girls who stupid as soon as their hair was bleached. Maybe the bleaching did it. Yeah, the chemicals probably leeched into their brain or something. Of course, if she was a total ditz, that meant scoring would probably be easier.

            Yeah, totally easier.

            But…

            “Do we have to start today?” Kyle groaned. Stan gave him a curious look, putting a hand on his friends shoulder to turn him around so he could look him in the eye.

            “Hey, you all right Kyle?” Stan asked, and Kyle nodded. “Look, if we don’t start today, then all the good one’s will be taken. And, fuck, you wanna end up with a girl that even _Cartman_ rejected?”

            Good point, Kyle thought. That would totally suck ass.

            But…

            “I got a project due on Monday. And I still haven’t done my Pre-Cal homework…” Kyle said, fixing his glasses fitfully.

            “Blah blah blah…” Stan did the accompanying hand motion too, rolling his eyes. Getting a good grip on Kyle’s shoulder, he pulled him along as the three set off to stalk after the girls. “Come on, since when have you been shy about talking to some girls, huh? Your nerdiness catching up to you finally?”

            Kyle stuck his tongue out at him, turning away from the smirk on his friend’s face. God.

            He realized that there had been silence for a while, and turned to Cartman, confused. He _should_ have been making comments about how girls would never go for two fags like them anyway, so why bother. But he wasn’t.

            Actually, it seemed that Cartman wasn’t paying attention to them _at all_.

            Weird.

            And his eyes held that intense look they got whenever he was scheming something.

            And there they were, a plotting Cartman, a leering Stan, and Kyle, who was finally really starting to get into the mood. How could he not? The girls were pretty damn hot, what with their long legs, and short skirts, and the way they swayed their hips as they scissor-stepped down along. Scissor-stepped. Like fucking models on a fucking runway. Even the chubby one was hot, Kyle admitted, what with her curves. And, yeah, her _curves_.

            A few more moments, and one of the girls glanced back. Ooo. Caught. She smiled back, that sweet smile girls give right before they tell their friends that they’re being stalked.

            They caught up to them by the food court, where the girls were pretending to be severely interested in the menus of the ice cream store. A “Hey girls” from Stan got their ‘attention’, and before Kyle knew it he was caught up in chatting with the skinny brunette. She smiled, and fluttered her eyelashes, and said something about how his hair looked good, and he replied something. Or the other. Cartman had pounced on the chubby brunette, who actually didn’t seem to mind so much, and the blonde was already standing next to Stan like she was ready to jump in his pants, and he was chatting it up with the brunette, who kept trying to look him in the eyes, but he kept avoiding her gaze because…

            Because?

            Ugh.

            _Brown._


	4. Chapter 4

Kyle blinked, tired. It was study, but for once he didn’t have any homework out to go through. He had been hoping to catch up on some badly needed sleep this period; he’d been having some weird dreams lately and just couldn’t get any rest at night.

            No such luck.

            Kenny was buzzing around him excitedly, like a little… a little… uh, _vespa_ or something. Vroom, vroom, from the left to the right, right to left. Kyle thought fondly of old times, when Kenny had still worn that orange parka, and when anything exciting that happened usually only elicited a single “Whoohoo!” and a short explanation as to why there was a “Whoohoo!” to be had. But those times were long gone, and Kenny had seem to grown out of that silent thing.

                Kenny, it seemed, had found himself a date for Homecoming.

            And, _most importantly_ , it wasn’t Kate ( _the great_ ), the girl who had taken to stalking him for five months the year before.

            Not that Kenny had minded, of course. Its just that, as he said, it was kinda hard to get your thing on with one girl, when another one was watching through the window. _On the second floor._

            “Kenny, dude, spaz much?” Kyle said finally, grinning. The blond shot him a dirty look, but sat down on the floor finally.

            “Kyyylle… man, she’s just so _awesome_ …” Kenny’s eyes glittered. He stared off into the distance, sighing happily and grinning like a two year old that just got the ice cream he was promised.

            Kyle repressed the urge to punch him in the face.

            _Weird_.

            “So, who’re you taking? Got any ideas?” Kenny looked over at him. Kyle waved a hand dismissively.

            “Sure…” He said putting his elbows on his knees and his chin into his hands. Fuck, he was tired.

            “Who?” Kenny asked, turning half-around to look at Kyle, grinning.

            “Julie…” Kyle said, then realized that there was more than one in the school. “The one with the black hair.”  
            “Ahhh… The honors girl… Nice.” Kenny nodded his head in approval. “Easy on the eyes, and smart too. Good choice.”

            Kyle snorted in laughter.

            “Dude, you’re such a fucking loser…” He laughed, shaking his head.

            “Yeah, but a fucking loser who’s going to Homecoming with the hottest girl _ever_.” Kenny reminded him with a smile.

            “You know, you still haven’t mentioned her name…” Kyle said, raising an eyebrow as he looked over at the blond.

            “Yeah? You know what? It’s gonna be a surprise.” Kenny frowned at him suddenly, blue eyes darkening. “Or do you not believe me?”

            “Kenny. You just spent the last ten minutes practically _spewing_ all the good points this girl has.” Kyle laughed. “I think I’ll have to believe you this time.”  
            “Awesome.” Kenny grinned happily, then, with a sigh, turned back to gazing dreamily off into the distance. Kyle watched him for a moment, amused, and they sat like that in silence for a while.

            “So…” He said finally, breaking the quiet.

            “I’m not telling you…” Kenny said, still staring off into lala-land. Kyle frowned, annoyed.

            “Whatever, I’m going to sleep now…” Kyle muttered, closing his eyes and leaning back against the wall. He heard Kenny snicker, and blindly swung a fist out.

            “Ow! Fuck, man…”

            Kyle smiled. Dude. He felt _so_ much better now.

***

            Kyle stared up at the ceiling. It was a pale green. He frowned; ugh, who the hell would paint their ceiling pale green? It looked like melted mint candies, the loser kind.

            “Fuck. What were my parent’s thinking with that ceiling?”

            Kyle tried to look in the direction of the voice, but failed. He didn’t really have to, he already knew it was Stan, who was also on the floor, and who was also laying on his back and staring up at the ceiling.

            “Maybe they were on mint withdrawal? Or pastel withdrawal?” Kyle mused. “Or… maybe they were just… I dunno… I ran out of reasons…”

            “Pfft… pastel withdrawal…” Stan snorted. “Ha! Gotta remember that one…”

            Kyle grinned, and they fell silent again.

            “Dude.” Stan said finally.

            “Yeah?” Kyle asked, shifting on the ground.

            “So… what do you wanna do?” Stan asked, sounding drop-dead-bored.

            “… I dunno… what do you wanna do?” Kyle replied. He guessed he didn’t sound any more excited than Stan at the moment.

            Silence.

            “… I dunno…” Stan finally said, “You sure you don’t know what you wanna do?”

            “…fuck… we’re not getting anywhere, are we?” Kyle asked, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look up at the ceiling again. That green was getting fucking depressing.

            “Nope.” Came Stan’s reply.

            More silence.

            “You know, when you ask someone to go hang out, you usually have an idea of what you’re gonna be doing… you know… while hanging out…” Kyle said, rolling over. He still couldn’t see Stan.

            “Well, sorreeey… didn’t know you had such _high standards_ for hanging out…” Stan muttered, like he was angry. Kyle grinned because he knew he wasn’t.

            “Stan, what color are your eyes?” He asked, so suddenly he didn’t even realize he’d asked it. Scary.

            “Uhhh… blue, why?” Stan replied. Kyle heard him roll around, and suddenly the black-haired boy’s face was in front of him. Oh yes, it was awesome being a guy, and rolling around on the floor instead of getting up because you’re just so goddamn lazy. Awesome.

            “Hm.” Kyle looked at Stan, trying to figure something out.

            He really had to stop over-analyzing things.

            But, really, it didn’t matter.

            He sighed, and Stan frowned at him.

            “Never mind, dude…” Kyle said, rolling onto his back again.

            “Huh?” Stan was confused. Funny, so was Kyle.

            “Don’t worry about it…” Kyle said, then looked up at the ceiling again. Ugh. It was like some sort of pastel shade of baby vomit.

            “Hey.” Stan said suddenly.

            “Yeah?” Kyle asked; definitely baby puke.

            “Pizza.” Stan said triumphantly.

            “That is the best idea I’ve heard all day.” Kyle grinned.

            “Totally.”  
            “Totally.”

***

            There were flashes. There were many, many flashes. Kyle had stopped counting the flashes long ago. Just stand still, keep smiling, turn this way, smile again.

            God. Someone take those cameras away from these people.

            “All right kids, I think we have enough now.” Julie’s mom beamed at them happily.

            No. Fucking. Shit.

            “Guess we should get going then,” Kyle grinned back, and looked at the girl standing next to him. Julie had her hair done in waves, slightly pulled back so that it fell over her back, and she was wearing one of those dresses… those dresses that girls put on in the evening… uh, you know, an evening dress. It was a deep sea-blue, and the bottom half was sort of frilly, and she had this little sweater thing over her shoulders that covered the front, and that also promised to expose a nice view later on, out of parent’s sight.

            Kyle had to admit, the girl knew how to dress.

            After a lengthy good-bye session, he took the girl and together they walked out of the house and started off towards the school. As it turned out, Julie lived two blocks away. How awesome.

            “You’re looking pretty tonight.” Kyle spoke up after a few minutes of silence.

            “Thank you.” Julie said, looking away shyly. He thought he could see her blush a little. She looked at him then, smiling. “You look good yourself.”

            Kyle grinned at that; he’d been slacking off a bit, and finally had settled on a dark green dress shirt and black slacks. He thought about wearing a tie, but decided that might be a little _too_ formal. Having been pleased himself, his spirits had dropped the moment his mom told him he looked “Dashing”. Ugh. Mom always called him dashing. But, hearing Julie say he looked good certainly raised his spirits. Hm, maybe Mom was right _this_ time.

            It wasn’t long before they reached the school grounds. Shouts could be heard coming from the football field, where the customary game was reaching its end. People were standing around in groups in the fading light. Girls were giggling. Guys were ogling the giggling girls. Teachers were trying to be chaperones but failing miserably.

            Ah. Wonderful Homecoming.

            Julie grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the gym with a smile. He let her, glancing around every now and then to try to catch sight of his friends. They had to be somewhere, but with all the students and alumni and teachers milling around, he couldn’t find anyone.

            “Look, the mixer must’ve ended, they’re kicking out the freshmen and sophomores.” Julie said, giggling. “Oh, I can’t wait. First year coming to the actual dance! It’s going to be great!”  
            “Yeah…” Kyle nodded in agreement. “Hey, do you think someone’ll will try to spike the punch?”

            Julie looked at him, frowning, but her eyes were dancing with laughter.

            “I hope you’re not thinking of doing that…” She said, looking ahead at the gym’s double-doors.

            “No, of course not. That’s Kenny’s department, anyways.” Kyle grinned at her, and after a moment she grinned back. And blushed, again. Wow. He didn’t know he had such power.

            Once inside, they were practically assaulted by Stan and his date, who turned out to be the blond from the mall. She was already glued to his side, and his hand was resting comfortably on her waist. Obviously, they’d been seeing some of each other over the past few weeks. Lucky dog.

            Kyle grinned at them, and there was rapid-fire chatter as the girls realized that they had once gone to grade school together in another town nearby. What a coincidence! Stan gave Kyle a look, Kyle returned it.

 _Girls_. What’re you gonna do?

            Inside the gym they found Cartman already seated at a table with his date. Surprisingly, it was a girl he’d been arguing with since last year, when the school had started offering German Language classes. She’d managed to beat him to claiming _Mein Kampf_ for their first translation project, and he’d held a grudge for her ever since. Kyle frowned, but he should’ve expected it; she could throw barbs in people’s faces just as easily as Cartman, and smile sweetly while she was at it. Still, he was surprised.

            Okay, not surprised, _disappointed_.

            But that’s self-explanatory.

            Sitting down, they started with the small talk while the rest of the students arrived.

            “Where’s Kenneh?” Cartman asked finally, looking around. Stan and Kyle shrugged. “He didn’t die again, did he?”

            “He was fine earlier today…” Kyle said, brushing a hand against Julie’s thigh. She moved away, sticking her tongue out at him. Heh.

            “Aw, what, you guys miss me that much?” Kenny’s voice caused them to turn around. Kenny’s date caused them to stare.

            Now Kyle knew why Kenny had settled on the gray button-up shirt, and even the black tie, though he’d gotten lazy with that and it hung loosely off-center. It had seemed weird, but now, with his date next to him, he looked sharp. The girl… the girl had on a black dress that was fitted up top and flared out from her hips. The whole top was covered in a nice sort of dulled silver embroidery, and the bottom was several layers of black and silver. Her dark-blonde hair was down, falling in loose ringlets around her face, and she was giving them all one of those you’re-interesting-but-you’re-not kind of looks, but that was to be expected; she gave everyone the same look. Oh yeah, definitely dressed formal-casual. Formal-casully _hot_ , that is.

            “Abigail?!” Stan was the first one to speak up. “Holy shit.”  
            “Thank you Stan,” She said, grinning, which in her case meant that the very, very tips of her mouth flickered slightly. “I’ll keep the ‘holy’, but you can take the ‘shit’ back.”

            “Does Butters know you’re dressed like that?” Cartman asked, and Kyle looked at him, surprised. Where the hell did that come from? Sure, yeah, she was Butters’s cousin, but since when did Cartman care?

            “Yes, he does. He actually helped. The necklace was his idea.” Abigail said, raising a hand to her neck.

            Oh. She has a necklace on.

            Heh…

            “Well, take a seat, it sounds like it’ll be a while before they get some good music on.” Kyle said, motioning to the empty chairs next to them. The two took their seats, Abigail looking pleasantly amused, Kenny grinning happily. Remembering their conversation from before, Kyle had expected the blonde to be all over his girl, but instead he was looking at her with that stupid dopey expression on his face.

            Kyle suppressed a frown (was it just him, or was he suppressing a lot lately?) and turned to Julie with a grin, hoping she didn’t feel too bad. After all, Abigail _had_ sort of stolen the show there. Surprisingly, Julie was smiling, and she leaned over towards the blond girl.

            “Abby, you look so good!” She gushed, and Kyle wondered if _these_  two had been/were kind of friends too. “You’re always dressed in those baggy, comfy clothes, that I almost didn’t recognize you! I like your dress, its got almost this kind of gothic-princess feel to it.”

            “I like your dress too, Julie.” Abigail smiled slightly, “That shade looks good on you, pale blue wouldn’t have been so nice…”

            The girls continued to talk, with Stan’s date joining in. Cartman’s date ignored the conversation, as she was a little too busy swearing at him in German to be bothered.

            Kyle settled back in his seat, happy. Everyone was in a good mood, the music was just starting to pick up, and the girl he was with was sending him those looks that girls only send when they’re really, totally into a guy.

            Oh yeah. Life was good.

*****

            He couldn’t take it anymore. The crowd was huge, the music was noisy, the lack of air was stifling, and whatever fucking magic he’d imagined between himself and his date before was gone. He didn’t know where it went, but it was obviously not there anymore. Julie was off dancing with some other guy, and Kyle had taken the opportunity to try to get away from the crazy people in the middle of the dance floor.

            Ugh. He needed a fucking break.

            Why the hell did people like these dances anyway? Maybe the lack of air was making everyone stupid, or something. Whatever, he needed to get some fresh air. His head was starting to ache from the pounding music. He noticed Abigail dancing solo a little ways off, moving to the music as if she were born to. Funny, she didn’t seem to mind the fact that her partner was no where to be found. Whatever, again. Kyle shoved his way past a group of people who’d decided to stand _right in front of the doors_ , and made his way outside.

            Ah, fresh air.

            Fresh, smoky, nicotine laced air.

            He frowned, turning. Kenny grinned at him around the cigarette in his lips.

            “Hey, Kyle. How’s it shakin’?” The blond asked, letting out a puff of smoke.

            “Your dates in there dancing alone, you know.” Kyle said, walking over and leaning against the wall next to him. Kenny leered, giving him a knowing look.

            “She moves good, don’t she?” He said, and Kyle grinned, shaking his head.

            “And you’re out here smoking? You really can’t hold off a few hours, can you.” Kyle laughed, and Kenny shoved him good-naturedly.

            “It was getting stuffy in there.” Kenny explained. Kyle gave him an incredulous look.

            “And its not stuffy out here with all this smoke floating around?” Kyle asked.

            “Hey, man, you don’t like it, you can go take a walk.” Kenny shrugged, then smirked at him. Kyle shook his head again, grinning, then looked out into the night. He felt a lot better now, out here, than he had just a few minutes ago.

            “So, where’s your girl?” Kenny asked, staring off into the dark too.

            “Dancing. I think with Craig.” Kyle shrugged. He felt Kenny’s eyes on him, and elaborated, “Turns out we don’t have much in common other than schoolwork.”

            “Sucks, dude.” Kenny sympathized.

            “Eh. Whatever.” Kyle sighed. He glanced over at Kenny, thoughts ticking in his head.

            “Kenny?”

            “Yeah?” The blond looked at him again.

            “Those taste good or something?” Kyle asked. He’d been wondering about something, again. He’d been wondering a lot lately.

            “Uh…” Kenny blinked, thinking for a moment, then shrugged. “Eh, taste like smoke. Unless you get the menthols, then they taste like smoke and gum.”

            He grinned at the redhead, but Kyle kept looking at him.

            “Let me try?”

            Kenny gave him a surprised look, and Kyle knew how he felt. He was surprised at himself too.

            “Sure.” Kenny handed over the cigarette, watching critically as Kyle put it to his lips. “Just remember, you don’t wanna fucking inhale it all the way, right? You’ll just start hacking up a lung.”

            “Hngh.” Kyle responded, focusing on the cigarette. He breathed in through it, keeping in mind what Kenny had told him, and let the smoke swirl around in his mouth before exhaling.

            _It tasted like…_

            Something lurched painfully inside of him, and he glanced over at Kenny. The blond was still looking over at him carefully, blue eyes sparkling, smile somewhere between concerned and amused.

            That painful thing inside of him lurched again, and Kyle turned away, taking another drag on the cigarette, this one longer. He’d thought about it, thought about it a whole fucking lot, but he’d thought… well, he’d _assumed_ … And hey, this was it, wasn’t it? It had to be…

            He released the breath, realizing that he’d held that one in longer than the one before, but he was frowning.

            Sure, this was it. But it _wasn’t._

There was something missing…

            He looked down at the cigarette in his fingers, half-gone and releasing a steady stream of smoke into the air.

            _Something’s missing_.

            “Kenny?” He asked, still looking at the cigarette.

            “Yeah?” Kyle turned to look at him, and he must have had a very serious look on his face, indeed, because the amusement in Kenny’s blue eyes disappeared, and the blond frowned, totally concerned.

            _…blond-and-blue-and…_

_…and.._

            He didn’t realize he’d done what he just did. Vaguely, somewhere, in the back of his mind, he knew he was still holding the cigarette in one hand, his arm held draped over Kenny’s shoulder, and that his other hand was gripping that loose tie tightly, having pulled the blond close, but that was all in the background, overshadowed by what was really important.

            There.

            He’d found it.

            _This_ was what was missing, _this_ right here.

            He shuddered, that painful thing inside him spiking, but it was a good kind of pain, a _real_ sort of hurt that he didn’t want to go away.

            He forced his tongue past Kenny’s lips, delving into him, _tasting_ him. The blond made a small noise in his throat, but didn’t pull back. Strange, but Kyle wasn’t really paying attention to that. He was too busy with something more important at the moment. _This_ , to be exact.

            Fuck.

            _FUCK._

            Everything remained hazy even after he pulled back. His hand let go of Kenny’s tie, and dropped to his side shaking slightly. He still had his other arm on Kenny’s shoulder, but he found he was having a hard time moving at the moment. Kenny stared at him, cheeks flushed, blue eyes wide in surprise.

            _…blond and blue and smoky and…_

            Kyle stepped back finally, holding the cigarette out for Kenny to take. He was burning inside, he was boiling. He still couldn’t get his head around it. He still couldn’t _accept…_

            “…uh… I… just needed to check something…” Kyle said hoarsely, eye’s flickering around Kenny’s face, but avoiding his eyes. The blond coughed slightly, taking the cigarette back with a shaky hand.

            “R-right…” He grunted, looking down. There was barely anything left of the cigarette.

            Kyle turned away, thoughts pounding around his head almost as strongly as his heart was pounding in his chest. He pulled open the door, heading back into the noise and stifling air and… and…

            _Fuck_


	5. Chapter 5

The wall in front of him was white. When he’d started staring at it, it had been black. Slowly, too slow for him to notice, really, it began to lighten. From black to dark gray to mid gray to light gray. It lightened slowly, ever so slowly, until suddenly, _wham_ , there it was, white. Blazingly white.

            Kyle reached out a hand to touch the wall that was inches in front of his nose.

            What a fucking great time to start seeing _metaphors_ in everything.

            He curled up, pulling the covers close and tight, continuing to stare at the wall, continuing to _know_.

            “Kyle! Mom says to get up already!”

            He reached a hand up to his curls and pulled, hard.

            “She says she’s called you three times and that she’s not calling you again!”

            He closed his eyes, burying his face in his pillow, and wishing everything were quiet again.

            “She says she doesn’t know what got into you, you used to be such a punctual little boy!”

            Kyle groaned, picking his pillow up and whipping it at the door. He heard it _thump_ against the hard wood, and the voice behind his door was snickering now. Loudly.

            “Finally! Come on, you’re late for breakfast.”

            Kyle heard his brother’s steps head down the hall, but instead of moving he stayed on the bed, staring up at the ceiling now, for once _not_ wondering what the hell was going on in his head all last night.

            Oh no. He knew what was going on. Now, he knew _exactly_ what was going on.

            *****

            He’d gone to school with a plan. It was a good plan. No, it was a _great_ plan. It was an entirely awesome plan, considering the situation.

            It was a plan that never saw the light of day.

            As soon as he stepped up to his usual spot at the bus stop, Cartman fixed him with a very hard look. It was a look that took that awesome plan in Kyle’s mind and bashed it against a wall. That look, coupled with the fact that Kenny hadn’t even spared a look all morning, sent Kyle’s mind into another whirlwind.

            Fuck, _FUCK_ , he knows! He has to know!

            No, no, if he knew, he’d have said something by now. Of course… ha, of course…

            …

            _Of course he wouldn’t!_ This is _Cartman!_ Of course, he’d be biding his time, waiting for the opportune moment.

            Fuck.

            Kyle could see the gears turning in his mind. And now, now, he was smirking. _Smirking_. Like he knew some great secret that no one else knew.

            _He probably did_.

            Kyle felt himself go numb. No, frozen. He could still feel, but he couldn’t do anything. He could do nothing at all. If Cartman knew…

            _If Cartman knew…_

            Kyle didn’t want to think about that. He _refused_ to think about it. He refused to think about who Cartman would tell, how he would tell them. He refused to think about how his parents would react, how Stan would react, how all the people in school would react.

                His heart raced, he was finding it hard to control his breathing.

            No, he’d just pretend nothing had happened. If he did, maybe he wouldn’t be able to give Cartman enough fuel to start the fire. Yeah. That’s what he would do.

            That had to work.

            *****  
            _He couldn’t breathe_.

            Suddenly, Kyle thought he knew what it felt like to be Tweak.

            The pressure was _killing him_.

            Cartman _had_ to know. Three days later, he was still giving Kyle that weird smirky I-know-something look. And Kenny was still avoiding him like the plague. And Kyle just couldn’t take it. It was too much.

            “Geez, he’s not letting up, is he?” Stan muttered to him as they passed each other in the hall between 5th and 6th. Cartman had walked by right before him, sending another smirking-glare at Kyle.

            Kyle blinked, looking at Stan. What?

            “Fuck, I know your date went MIA before the dance ended, and his didn’t, but he doesn’t have to be such a jerk about it…” Stan shook his head, then clapped Kyle on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, dude, he’ll lose all that hot air soon.”

            He gave him a smile as they parted ways, and Kyle looked after him for a moment, still in shock. Three days. Three days he’d agonized over a threat that was, in truth, _non-existent_.

            But… it all made _perfect sense_.

            Of course. Of course Kenny hadn’t said anything. What guy in their right mind would admit they’d been kissed by another guy? Especially if the closest friend you could admit it to was Cartman.

            And that meant…

            Kyle looked at his watch; there was still a minute or two before 6th period started. If he could just…

            He rushed to the classroom, rushed _patiently_ , of course.

            He had to do it. He had to. If Cartman didn’t know, then nothing was stopping him. Nothing.

            Fuck, he knew that Kenny had been avoiding him. He knew that Kenny probably didn’t want to talk to him about it. All he needed was a minute, one minute.

            “Kenny!” Kyle didn’t hear himself in that moment, but he wondered whether he sounded as desperate as he felt. He grabbed the blond by the arm and stopping him just as he was about to step into class.

            _Please, please, oh fuck, please just one minute one second just listen…_

            Kenny turned blue eyes on him, cold blue eyes, and sneered. He ripped his arm out of Kyle’s grasp and stalked into the classroom without looking back.

            Kyle stood there, arm still held out in front of him, staring at the spot where the blond had been standing a second earlier. Stood there feeling as if all the energy he had had been sucked clean out of him. One moment, and that crazy drive he’d had before was gone.

            The bell rang suddenly, and he jerked, shocked. His hand dropped to his side, clenching, and he took a deep breath before slowly making his way into class. The teacher gave him an odd look, but said nothing, and he took his seat. Kenny was staring off out the windows, ignoring him as he had the rest of the week, but Kyle didn’t look at him. He stared down at the top of the desk, biting his lip, and tried to figure what the hell he was supposed to do now.

            Damn it. Damn it all. Of course he’d had a great plan, but that plan would only work as long as Kenny was willing to listen.

            Kyle wasn’t just biting his lip now, he was chewing on it. His hands were shaking underneath the desk, and he spared a glance over at Kenny. His eyes flicked back just as soon.

_What now? What the fuck now?_

            He felt so lost. Fuck, people aren’t meant to deal with these sorts of things. Why does everything have to be so fucked up? Why does everything have to be so hard?

            The teacher was saying something about the renaissance, but he couldn’t find it in himself to listen. What the hell did the renaissance have to do with his problems, anyway?

            He looked over at Kenny again, just out of the corner of his eye, but that was still enough to make his insides squirm. Oh fucking Christ. What was wrong with him? Why did this have to happen? Why couldn’t he stop this?

            He was starting to twitch. He wondered if anyone noticed. His knees were starting to shake, and he couldn’t stop them. He couldn’t stop anything.

            Shit. He couldn’t stay there anymore. He couldn’t just sit there, next to _him_ , and listen to the stupid teacher saying her stupid lessons while he sat there and had everything turning inside out inside of him so much that he felt he was going to puke it all up the second he opened his mouth.

            Kyle got up, ignored the shock looks, walked up to the front of the class, grabbed the hall pass, and got out into the hallway. The bathroom wasn’t far away, and he made it without much difficulty.

            He was still shaking, and he couldn’t stop. He was so… fucking… urgh… Kyle didn’t know if there was a word that described this feeling. All he knew was that it was bad, it was so bad. Hand on the wall, he made his way to the last stall, closed the door, and sat down on the floor. He crossed his legs, put his elbows on his knees, and buried his face in his hands.

            No more. No more. He couldn’t take this any longer. He couldn’t.

            The longer he held it in, the more it tore him up inside.

            He tried to force himself to stop. Just stop, stop thinking, stop wondering, stop _everything._

            The bathroom door creaked on its hinges, and Kyle could hear someone’s footsteps, slow footsteps. He ignored them, but they continued to get closer. He frowned when they stopped, lifting his head just enough to see.

            A familiar pair of beat-up converse stood in front of the stall he was in. The right one had a large gash that was being held together with safety pins; the left one was so covered in swear words that it was hard to make any one out. Oh yes, he knew those converse.

            He stayed silent for a moment, willing _him_ to leave, so he could stop thinking about _him_ and stop thinking about everything and maybe have some fucking peace for the first time in _weeks_. But the converse stayed, and _he_ stayed with them. Obviously.

            “What?” Kyle muttered finally, tired. He felt like a deflated party balloon, one that had its air let out while all the others were still being used for games of pretend volleyball, a poor, deflated party balloon, left on the floor, walked all over and scuffed on and…

            “… teacher sent me to find you…” Kenny spoke up from the other side of the door. He didn’t sound happy.

            Fuck. Who cares. No ones happy anyway.

            Kyle sighed, resisting the urge to let his head drop back in his hands. He got up, clenching the hall pass in his hand, and opened the door to look at Kenny. The blond looked away as soon as the stall door was opened, waiting a second before starting back to the hallway door. Kyle looked after him, pangs and shudders running through him. Why? Why why why why why?

            Looking down at the ground, he followed Kenny out, trying to keep himself from walking too close, or from looking at him, or from… fuck…

            “Kenny, please, just hear me out for a second…” Kyle started looking at the blond. He was walking a little behind Kenny, but even so he thought he could see his face harden. “Just a second…”

            Kenny set his shoulders, starting to walk faster down the hallway. Kyle sped up too. He had to try, he had to do something. Anything.

            “Fuck, just one fucking minute, is that so fucking hard?” Kyle reached out a hand to touch his shoulder, “Please, Kenny… listen to me for just one minute…”  
            The second Kyle’s fingers touched Kenny’s shoulder, the blond whipped around. Kyle could actually feel _wind_ , he’d moved so fast.

            “Goddammit, Kyle, stop being such a fucking pussy _fag_!” Kenny growled, eyes blazing.

            …

            Did he?

            Oh no, he did not.

            But he did.

            _No fucking way._

            Kyle’s blood, which had been lethargic at best a few moments ago, was boiling now. It was fucking _lava_ in his veins, now. His fists clenched tightly at his sides, shaking for a whole different reason now.   
            How _dare_ he?

                _How fucking dare he?_

            He glared at Kenny, glared hard into those _fucking blue eyes_ , wanting to no more than to grab him by his _fucking blond hair_ and beat his face _bloody_ , now. Fuck.

            Kyle thought he could see regret in Kenny’s eyes, but that wasn’t going to save him now. Shit, all he wanted to do was clear things up, all he wanted to do was to be a _friend_ about this and talk to him and get this over with so they could both just _forget_ about this whole stupid mess. And now, _now_ …

            A door of a nearby classroom opened, waking Kyle up from his murderous thoughts. No, as fucking enjoyable as beating the living shit out of Kenny would be at that moment, it wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t help at all. Still, he couldn’t keep himself from glaring daggers at Kenny, and with each passing second he was looking more and more nervous.

            Oh yes, Kyle thought, this is my angry face. You best be fucking happy this is all you’re getting this time, _bitch._

            He shoved past Kenny, hard, and made his way back to the classroom. The teacher opened her mouth to question him, but the look on his face shut her up quick. Sitting in his desk, he clenched his hands in the fabric of his pants and attempted to calm himself down.

            Okay. So Kenny was an ass. It happens. Nothing to get overly pissed about. Right, right, this is manageable. Yes. It is.

            Kyle took a deep breath and looked down at his desk. Ah, wood grain. Yes, follow the different patterns. Oh look, a bunny. Ha. Bunny. Yes, see, calming down. Perfect. Yes, perfect. Now everything is calm, and all is right in the world, and there is nothing to be raging about…

            _…and someone is staring at me._

            Kyle kept his eyes on the desk, but frowned. Someone was definitely staring at him. Weird. Who the fuck would be doing that? He froze, then turned his gaze to the left, fast.

            Blue eyes widened, and Kenny turned away so fast it was a wonder he didn’t get whiplash.

            Whatever anger had remained in Kyle was gone. Fwoosh. Like the wind. If his instincts were correct, then he’d be right to assume that Kenny had been staring at him since… since…

            Since they got back.

            Kyle stared at the blond, confused as hell, but Kenny was doing his best to ignore him.

            Now, however, there was the question of why; why was Kenny looking at him? Did he regret what he’d said in the hallway? Was there something more to it? Was he…

            Oh, hey, look at that. His hair kind of looks nice with the sun shining on it like that. Kind of shiny…

            What…?

            Okay, okay, whatever. What. Ever.

            Kyle turned his gaze back to his desk, focusing hard on the wood grain. Bunny. Where’s the bunny? Where in hell is the goddamned fucking bunny?!

            He closed his eyes, controlling his breathing. Okay. So maybe he’d been lying to himself. Its cool, plenty of people lie to themselves. All the time. Besides, he could live with lying to himself. About this, at least.

            Right?

            Kyle opened his eyes, and keeping his head straight, he looked out of the corner of his eye at Kenny. The blond had begun to turn his head towards him again, and Kyle frowned. What the hell?

            _Maybe he’s not really mad about--_

            Oooh… that thought did something…

            _Maybe he’s just hiding the fact that--_

Ouch. Okay, its kind of hurting inside now…

            _Maybe inside he’s actually--_

            Oh. Oh, but its such a good hurt. Its such a _fucking good hurt_.

            That’s it, Kyle thought, that is fucking it. In the past half hour he’d been depressed, and angry, and now he was getting fucking happy-pangs from stupid _thoughts_ and oh fuck this has to end, somehow, there is no fucking way he could deal with this anymore. Something has to happen.

            The bell rang, shocking him for the second time that day.

            _fuck fuck fuck fuck…_

            Kyle found an old piece of notebook paper in this desk, and scribbled down some lines quickly. Before he could change his mind he’d tossed the crumpled paper onto Kenny’s desk and took off out the doorway. He practically sprinted down the hallways, signed into study only to grab a pass and sign out again, and finally took refuge in the computer lab.

            Sitting down, he stared at the login screen, and stared.

            And stared.

            Finally being interrupted by the bell that ended the day.

*****

            Stark’s Pond was quiet at night. Every now and then the lonely call of an owl could be heard, but other than that there was nothing to hear except the soft sound of wind.

            Kyle sat at the edge of the ice-covered pond. He’d been sitting there for almost an hour. Waiting. He had no reason to expect… well, anything, but still. He waited. He’d wait until it was entirely apparent that there was nothing to be waiting for.

            He kept from looking at his watch, but he knew it had to be pretty damn late. The moon was high in the sky, and the stars were clear. And there was silence all around.

            Silence.

            Kyle refused to let the silence and dreariness of the night put a damper on his spirits. No, there was a chance. He knew there was a chance. There _had_ to be chance…

            Right?

            He shuddered, wondering if he’d been stupid to assume anything.

            The sound of someone crunching through the snow behind him, however, made him wonder if maybe he wasn’t.

            Kyle stood up, turning around silently. Kenny stopped a few feet away, watching him warily. Kyle’s spirits dropped; he didn’t like that look, that look just screamed _You’re a psycho and I don’t want to be raped_.

            “You came…” Kyle said finally, but Kenny remained silent, remained wary. “Kenny… look, I needed to talk to you about… I needed to tell you…”

            “Tel me what?” Kenny cut in, frowning. “Tell me that you were just bored and just wanted to try something new? That it was just something stupid you did and it didn’t mean anything?”

            Kyle blinked, surprised. Was that what he thought this would be about?

            “No, Kenny… fuck…” Kyle’s fingers twitched at the hem of his jacket. He still couldn‘t keep his voice from falling to a whisper towards the end, “Kenny… I… I like you.”

            Kenny gave him a thoroughly disbelieving look…

            … for all of one second.

            And then he laughed.

            “What the fuck? Dude,” He shook his head, still laughing, “Dude, no way, if you’re gonna be bullshitting me, do it some other way… That’s just fucking too unreal… fuck, I think I like the other fucking excuses better…”

            Kyle frowned at the blond, barely keeping from glaring at him.

            “Kenny, I mean it.” He said, moving closer.

            “Dude, no… that’s fucking too much, all right?” Kenny still shook his head, putting a hand to his stomach as he continued to snicker.

            “Goddammit, Kenny, I’m not fucking kidding around, all right?!” Kyle growled, reaching out and grabbing the blond by the shoulders. He shook him, hard.

            “What the fuck are you saying?” Kenny gasped, gripping Kyle’s wrists tightly.

            Oh. Oh, maybe he shouldn’t have.. Done something he’d done…

            There was a little panic in Kenny’s eyes now, and Kyle wondered if maybe he’d shaken him too hard, or something…

            “I’m saying I like you, you stupid piece of shit!” Okay, so maybe he could’ve made a better choice of words. Not his fault, Kenny was fucking laughing at him. _Laughing_ , like it was some sort of fucking joke.

            “What? Why?” Kenny’s eyes widened. Oh yes, definitely panic.

            “How the fuck should I know? I just do…” Kyle said, sighing. He looked deep into those blue eyes, trying to find something in them other than panic. “Kenny, I like you. I like you so fucking much it hurts…”

            “Then stop!” Kenny snapped. His hands were gripping Kyle’s writs tightly, too tight, and Kyle could feel them shaking.

            “You think its that easy? You think I haven’t tried?” Kyle said. Fuck, this wasn’t going the way he’d planned. Why couldn’t anything ever go the way he planned? “I like you.”

            “Shut the fuck up, that’s fucking bullshit!” Kenny cried out, ripping Kyle’s hands off of his shoulders. “Why would anyone--”

            He cut off with a strangled sound, and Kyle stared at him in surprise.

            _Was he about to say…?  
_             Kenny glared at him and whipped around, starting off through the snow. Kyle stared after him for a moment, still confused, then realized that he was letting him get away.

            Oh no.

            He jogged to catch him, it was almost too easy, and, really, without thinking, grabbed the blond from behind and pulled him into a tight hug.

            _Oh fuck yes._

            “Fuck, Kyle, let me go!” Kenny growled, pushing back and trying to knock the redhead off balance. Kyle didn’t let him, but soon found himself fighting to keep a grip on the feisty blond.

            “Let go of me you fucking bastard!” Kenny kept trying to peel Kyle’s arms off of him, but his protests seemed only half-hearted. He didn’t seem to be fighting as hard as he should.

            Realizing this, _happily_ , Kyle finally just pulled him into a tighter hold and tuned out the cursing.

            He could stay like this for _days_ , he decided. Just stand there, holding him, burying his face in his hair and breathing in the dustiness and the smokiness and the lingering scent of green apples and _him_ , oh fuck, just _breathing him in_ like this.

            It felt so good, it felt so good to be holding him like this, to have him right there, next to him. It felt so perfect, it felt so _right_.

            _Fuck, Kenny, can’t you see how perfect this is? Can’t you feel this too?_

            It took Kyle a while to realize that Kenny wasn’t fighting anymore, that he’d settled down and apparently gave over to the situation. He felt the blond shuddering against him, taking shaky breaths. That couldn’t be good.

            “Kenny?” He questioned softly, face still partially buried in the blond’s hair.

            “… I hate you Kyle… I hate you _so_ much…” Kenny said, voice barely above a whisper.

            What?

            The blond pulled out of his grasp, and Kyle, still in shock, could only let him go, could only watch him walk away through the snow. He reached a hand out after him, weakly, still not understanding what had just happened.

            “Kenny, wait…” He tried to call after him.

            “Stay away from me, Kyle! Just stay the fuck away from me!” Kenny screamed back, then took off in a run.

            It was a figurative stab in the heart.

            Kyle hadn’t realized rejection was a physical pain.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a long weekend.

            Stan kept dragging Kyle out to hang by the arcade or go down to Stark’s Pond and throw rocks at the geese. Kyle hadn’t wanted to, but it didn’t matter, Stan wouldn’t take no for an answer anyways. He thought he was putting up a good front, but Stan kept giving him weird looks every now and then.

            Eh, whatever.

            Monday came, and, surprisingly, things went pretty much how they’ve always gone. Cartman was still being an ass, Stan was still being the valiant defender (of Kyle), and Kenny was still in the background, snickering at the jokes and making his own lewd comments.

            Oh yes. Everything was normal. _So very normal_.

            Kyle sighed, grabbing his towel as he got out of the gym showers. Is that how things went? You throw everything you have out there, get shot down, and then _wham_ \- everything goes back to how it usually was? Is that how things are supposed to end up?

            Kyle slammed his locker shut, then stared at in surprise. He hadn’t even realized he’d gotten dressed already.

            Geez.

            He headed out, hurrying a little since the hallways seemed to be thinning, and dashed into Art Appreciation just as the bell rang. The teacher raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, as usual. Kyle took his seat, dropping his notebooks onto the desk. And then he stared at them.

            So. What now? What the _fuck_ now?

            Live and let live?

            But how do you go on living with something like _that_ on your mind?

            But it was over with, wasn’t it? He did what he had to do.

            Over.

            It was _over_.

            After all that had happened, Kyle was expecting the sudden stab in his chest. He was welcoming it, really, if only to help get his mind off other things.

            What he wasn’t expecting was the _vertigo_ that came with the thought, a shifting of his internal _order,_ a lead bullet to his heart that sent his senses screaming off into his brain. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth.

            FUCK. There was nothing to be “over” about, anyway. Its not like anything had happened.

            Okay, so something _had_ happened, but it was all _him_ , not… him. So it didn’t count.

            Right?

            Right? Because, because just because someone doesn’t punch you after, or something, doesn’t mean they _accepted_ it, right? It doesn’t mean they were okay with it.

            Kyle opened his eyes, glancing over desperately at Kenny. The blond was chewing on his pen cap, staring off somewhere into space with a _very_ zoned out look on his face.

            What was it?

            What was it that pulled at him so bad? What was it that made him hurt each time he thought about the fact that Kenny didn’t even _look_ at him anymore? What was it?

            He narrowed his eyes, staring at the blonde, trying to figure it out. Trying.

            It wasn’t that Kenny was exactly above average in the looks department. He wasn’t bad looking, sure, but he was no CK model either. His hair was always a mess, Kyle doubted he did much more than shake it out when he got up in the morning. And maybe his face would look a bit nicer if it wasn’t for the fact that at any given time it had four scars on it that still hadn’t faded. The latest addition was courtesy of Token and his beloved skateboard.

            Not to mention, his personality was a little… lacking. Not that Kyle minded the jokes and the perverted comments and the craziness that generally was “Kenny”, but those weren’t exactly the sort of things you looked for in the person you wanted… well… wanted to… Yeah. They weren’t.

            Kenny sighed suddenly, slouching back in his chair, and Kyle looked away quickly.

            Yeah, that’d be just what he needed. To get caught fucking _ogling_ him. No thanks, not after what had happened.

            He sighed, looking down at his notebook. It was still closed. He couldn’t remember where he’d put his pen. Or pencil. Fuck. Where was his backpack? Did he leave it in the locker room? He couldn’t remember, and he didn’t feel like looking around for it.

            He wanted the class to end. He wanted school to end. He just wanted to get somewhere where he could think about anything, _anything_ other than _that_.

******

            Kyle decided to wander off after dinner that night. There really wasn’t much else to do anyway. Ike was going crazy in the living room with his new video games, and Kyle didn’t feel the need to be subjected to that much outrageous happiness that evening. It totally clashed with his mood.

            The wind was only slightly biting, as opposed to seriously trying to rip your head off as it usually was this late in the year. He scuffed through a few piles of snow, then stopped, standing knee deep in a snow drift, pants soaking through, and wondered for a moment why the hell he’d ever thought that plowing through snow drifts and then walking around with wet and cold pants in freezing temperatures was _fun_. Little kids were just stupid, apparently.

            Then, he stood there for a moment and wondered that if little kids who did this sort of thing for _fun_ were stupid, then he was the major _king_ of stupid for doing it for no other reason than that he didn’t feel like _not_ doing it either.

            He sighed, starting down the street, continuing to walk through snow drifts instead of around them whenever they came up. Half-way to somewhere, he realized that he was standing in front of railroad tracks. He frowned, glaring down at them. Well, what the fuck. What the fuck did those railroad tracks think, showing up like that in front of him?

            He cursed them, yeah, but secretly he was thanking them for showing up like a giant STOP sign and reminding him that sometimes it was a good thing to, you know, _think_ about where you were headed before you got there.

            Kyle turned around, stuck his hands in his pockets, and headed somewhere else. Houses began thinning out and the trees started to get thicker around him. He knew where he was headed this time, but he doubted there would be any late-migrating geese to throw rocks at this time around.

            Stark’s Pond was cold. It was icy. It was grey and surrounded with white and covered with a dark sky. Kyle stood at its edge, staring out over that cold, icy, snowy expanse, surrounded by grayness on all sides.

            Fuck. He felt so _alone_.

            “Grah!” He kicked at the snow angrily. There wasn’t even a word he could use to relieve some of that internal pressure.

            It was so fucking quiet, too. No birds, no animals, no nothing. Just him and the snow and the ice and the stupid fucking dark sky.

            He started walking again, along the pond’s frozen edges, kicking at exposed stones every now and again. There was an area beyond the pond that he couldn’t remember clearly. He knew they’d all explored there when they were younger, but he couldn’t remember what they’d found.

            He had to keep moving. He had to keep his thoughts changing.

            The tree’s got a little thicker this side of the pond. The snow piled thick around their trunks, pure and white and broken only by strange shaped holes that sort of looked like footprints.

            Footprints?

            Kyle stopped, looking down at the holes. They came from a different direction than he had taken, but they looked fresh. He glanced onward through the trees.

            Someone else was out here too?

            He picked up his pace, following the footprints between the dark trunks that were growing thicker around him. Finally, a clearing opened up in front of him. In the clearing stood a small shed-cabin thing of rough-hewn logs. In front of the cabin, on the small stone step, sat someone sending smoke rings up into the air.

            Kyle jerked to a stop, freezing at the edge of the clearing.

            Said someone on the step threw his cigarette down, stood up angrily, and sent him the kind of hard look that could break diamonds.

            _shit…_

“What the fuck Kyle?!” Kenny growled.

            Kyle groaned. Just fucking great. This was just his fucking luck. What the hell was wrong with this world.

            “Kenny… fuck, I didn’t know you were here…” Kyle looked away, glaring at a nearby tree. He didn’t want to meet gazes with the blonde. Well, he did, but it’d be better if he didn’t.           

            “You just fucking showed up here by fucking accident, yeah?” Kenny spat. Kyle still wasn’t looking at him, but by the amount of _pure anger_ that he heard in his voice, he was pretty sure Kenny was in that ‘come-get-some’ pose he usually took when he was ready to lay the smack down on someone. _Fucking great… Just what the doctor ordered…_

                “Calm the fuck down, will you?” Kyle said, finally looking back at the blonde. Ouch. He was right. Kenny just might be looking ragged, and he just might be slightly underweight, but fuck, so were rabid dogs, but you didn’t see anyone challenging _them_ to a wrestling match.

            Kenny continued to glare at him, shoulders set and head lowered slightly. Kyle tried not to fidget, realizing that if he didn’t fix this situation somehow he was going to be more than just witness to an Irish brawl.

            “What… what the hell do you want me to do Kenny?” Kyle asked. Fuck, he was tired. When’d he get so tired?

            “Just fuck off, Kyle. Just leave me the fuck alone…” Kenny said, voice lower than yelling but still sounding like he was trying to grind rocks with his teeth.

            That was one pissed off dude.

            “Oh yeah, that’s going to happen…” Kyle rolled his eyes. “What the fuck you want me to do, transfer to North Park High?”

            “Just stop fucking following me. Stop fucking looking at me in class. JUST. STOP. IT.” Kenny growled, that edge coming back harder.

            Kyle blinked. Oh, so he had noticed. Well…shit…

            “Kenny… you think its that easy?” Kyle said, “Fuck, you think I wouldn’t if I could? What the hell is the big problem, anyway…”

            “What… what is the problem?!” Kenny screamed. “ _You kissed me!_ You fucking _kissed me_ like it was the most fucking normal thing in the fucking world!”

            “I didn’t hear any fucking complaints at the time…” Kyle growled back.

            What was that?

            He was supposed to be trying to _fix_ the situation?

            Oh.

            It was a good thing Kenny let out that half-yell half-growl. Kyle doubted he would’ve had enough time to dodge behind a tree if he hadn’t heard it. Kenny checked his charge, almost, _almost_ , slipping, but not quite. He went for the tree, Kyle circling desperately around to keep the blond from reaching him.

            “Jesus-fucking-christ man! I’m just saying…” Kyle gasped, staying a few inches ahead of Kenny. Stupid fucking tree roots!

            “Just saying what? Huh? What the fuck are you saying? That I _liked it?_ Is that what you’re fucking saying?” Kenny raged. Kenny was totally _raging_ right now.

            “No.” Kyle said, then corrected himself. “Maybe.”

            Kenny punched.

            Kyle ducked.

            Snow fell in large clumps from the shaking branches overhead.

            “I’M NOT GAY!” Kenny glared down at him, shoulders shaking with pent-up anger.

            “I‘M NOT EITHER!” Kyle yelled back, glaring up at the blond from his seat in the snow.   
            “What the fuck are you talking about? You are so. Fucking. Gay.” Kenny spat down at him.

            Kyle struggled to his feet, still glaring at Kenny. Maybe, maybe if everything in his sight hadn’t gone red he would be able to get up normally, but fuck. FUCK.

            “I. AM. NOT. GAY.” Kyle pushed Kenny, making the blond stumble back a few steps.

            “You fucking kissed a guy on fucking Homecoming Night!” Kenny righted himself, shoving Kyle back against the tree trunk. “How fucking gay is that? Go get yourself a fucking rainbow shirt and some fairy wings, you fucking pansy!”  
            “Oh you fucking piece of shit…” Kyle pushed Kenny, harder this time, but the blond had a grip on his shoulders. They both stumbled away from the tree, cursing at each other. Kenny fixed his grip on Kyle’s jacket and half-threw him to the side, sending the redhead stumbling through the snow.

            Kyle growled, righting himself and twisting around, only to catch a fist to the gut.

            _Fuck_.

            So, he was trying to keep things from turning into a brawl, was he?

            …screw that…

            He threw a fist at the blonde and felt it connect. Kenny grunted, but kicked Kyle in the knee in return.

            “fuck…” Kyle gasped, gripping his kneecap and half-falling to the ground. He managed to duck out of another one of Kenny’s punches before struggling back to his feet.

            Adrenaline, Testosterone, all that good shit was getting fired up now. Kyle didn’t know what the hell was going on anymore, but it was safe to say it was _major_. He could taste blood on his lips, and his knuckles hurt from the repeated punches he was throwing.

            Cold air was supposed to sharpen the sense supposedly, but adrenaline dulled the thought process. All he knew was that each time he could focus on Kenny he was supposed to try to hit him, so he did. That didn’t mean that all his hits connected.

            You know, sometimes _experience_ actually helped.

            Kenny finally clocked him a good one, and Kyle’s vision went black for a moment. When his sight returned, he was staring into white, and clawing at the frozen ground beneath the snow. He twisted around, hearing Kenny muttering darkly somewhere above him, and kicked out. His shoe connected.

            “Fuck!”

            He heard the blonde drop to the ground somewhere near him, and shaking the stars out of his eyes he pulled himself up, reaching out a hand blindly to grab at Kenny before he could move.

            “Leggo bitch…” Kenny growled between gasps for breath. Kyle pulled himself closer, ending up collapsing half on the blonde. Kenny tried to push him off, but he didn’t seem to have the strength for it anymore. “Get offa me… fucking ass..”

            “…happy now?” Kyle asked, looking down at him. Blue eyes glared at him, icy cold, but Kyle refused to let them get to him. Kenny stayed silent, and so did Kyle. For a while, there was nothing to hear but their ragged gasps for air and the soft sound of the wind in the tree branches.

            “Why didn’t you hit harder?” Kyle asked finally, voice low. A slight spark of panic blazed in Kenny’s eyes, but it disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.

            “Shut up…” The blonde breathed, eyes narrowed. Kyle kept looking into his eyes.

            “Why didn’t you hit-”

            “I said SHUT UP.” Kenny pushed at him, but Kyle grabbed at him to keep from getting pushed off.

            “Kenny…” Kyle began, raising a hand to touch the blonde’s cheek. It was starting to bruise.

            “Stop…Kyle…” Kenny’s voice got quieter, more desperate. He looked away, shifting under the redhead’s weight.

            But he didn’t pull away from his touch.

            “Kenny, I was being honest… I really do like you…” Kyle said. The hands that were gripping his jacket tightened convulsively. He leaned forward, mouth hovering over the blonde’s ear. “I like you a lot, Kenny…”

            “Stop…Kyle, fuck… just sto-”

            Kyle cut him off with a kiss. Well, no, in man-land, something like this didn’t qualify as a kiss. It was just their lips, touching, for a second. But it was enough to make Kenny stop mid-sentence. It was enough to make Kyle feel like the sun had leaked all its happy juice into him. He got all warm and fuzzy inside.

            “…that was such a fucking pussy moment…” Kenny whispered. He looked embarrassed. Kyle grinned down at him, and the blonde looked away, frowning.

            “Kenny… I know you want someone to like you…” Kyle said. Kenny looked back at him, opening his mouth to say something, but Kyle continued before he could speak. “We all do…”

            “…sure…” Kenny said, resigned. Kyle shifted his pose finally, snaking one arm behind the blonde’s back. Ah yeah, that was better.

            “So, why can’t it be me?” Kyle asked, his other hand traveling up to Kenny’s hair. The blond narrowed his eyes at him.

            “You’re a guy.” Kenny said, and then explained further, “You got no boobs.”  
            “And, that’s your problem.” Kyle raised an eyebrow, and Kenny shrugged. Still, he gave no answer. “Tell me you didn’t like it…”

            “What? Just because I didn’t knee you means that I liked it?” Kenny frowned.

            “Well, maybe not entirely… I guess I’ll have to try again… Logically speaking, if you return the kiss, then you’re enjoying it…” Kyle said, leaning in again.

            “Fuck you and your logic,” Kenny growled, turning his head away.

            “Kenny…” Kyle grinned down at him slyly, amused. “I don’t think you’re half as scared by this as you’re pretending to be.”

            That awarded him a push hard enough to get knocked into the snow. Kenny stood up in a huff, stalking off a few feet before stopping. Kyle sat up, wincing only slightly. Oh yeah, tomorrow was going to be a _very happy_ day. He looked after Kenny, staring at his back and wondering. Wondering.

            Oh, fuck that. He wasn’t just wondering. He was hoping. He was _praying_ that the blonde wouldn’t decide against him. He wanted him to stop being so stubborn. He wanted him to finally fucking accept the fact that this was happening between them.

            Oh yeah, between them. Kyle was sure it was more than just him now. It couldn’t be any different, not with the way that Kenny had been looking at him just a few moments ago. Not with the way Kenny had been holding back his punches.

            If he’d been serious…

            Well, Kyle preferred not to think about that.

            “…what if someone finds out?” Kenny spoke finally, his voice quiet.

            Kyle felt his heart skip a beat.

            _fuck_

            “I mean…no one gives a shit about me… but you’ll have problems…” Kenny still wasn’t looking at him, but Kyle didn’t think that mattered. He was saying…

            _He was saying…_

            “So what?” Kyle said, pushing himself to his feet. He walked over to the blonde, putting a hand on his shoulder. Kenny was still staring out into the trees, looking thoughtful. “So what if they do? I don’t care…”

            Kenny looked at him, eyes hard.

            “No.” He said, “No one finds out.”

            Kyle looked at him, puzzled, but his mind was a little too preoccupied with the thought of the implications of what Kenny was saying to bother with that for too long.

            “All right.” Kyle grinned, and that hard edge in Kenny’s eyes faded. Kyle dropped his hand, curling his arm around the blonde’s back, and pulled him close. He leaned in a little, but Kenny turned his face away, managing to look only _slightly_ embarrassed this time, so Kyle had to be satisfied with burying his face in his neck instead. He felt Kenny relax in his hold, leaning against him.

            This was awesome. This was _so awesome._ Everything was great right now. Everything was so fucking great. He tightened his hold, savoring their closeness. In the back of his mind he wished they didn’t have all those layers of clothes in the way, but then again it would’ve been impractical outside, in the snow, as they were.

            Whatever. It didn’t matter. He could feel Kenny’s hands on his sides, he could feel Kenny’s head on his shoulder. Fuck. This was such fucking happy time right here.

            “Kyle?” Kenny asked after a while.

            “Yeah?” Kyle grinned. _So fucking happy_.

            “I swear to fucking God, if you even _think_ about going pansy on me, I’ll fucking kill you…” Kenny muttered. “No fucking kidding.”

            Kyle laughed.

Things couldn’t get any more awesome than this.


	7. Chapter 7

Kenny hummed a random tune, drumming his fingers on his stomach. The ceiling above him wasn’t the most interesting thing in the room, but he was too goddamned bored to look anywhere else. He was kind of tired, but not _really_. It was that stupid sort of tired where you really felt like you could fall asleep but nope, sorry, you’re not gonna.

            He sighed loudly, looking up and over to the other person sitting on the bed.

            Kyle turned a page in the book he was devouring.

            Kenny frowned, pushing himself up to sit up. He stared, hard, at the redhead. And started counting.

            _1...2...3..._

            Kyle squinted, looking closely at something.

            _…14...15...16..._

            A car honked outside, and raised voices could be heard. Kenny ignored them, willing his eyes to keep from blinking.

            _…27...28...29..._

            He leaned a little closer.

            Kyle turned another page.

            _…45...46...47..._

_…52...53...54..._

“What?” Kyle said finally, keeping his gaze on his book. _Irritated_.

            Kenny gripped the bed covers tightly for a second, then let go and sighed.

            “Nothin’…” He muttered, leaning back against the wall.

            Kyle grunted, going back to studying.

            Kenny glared at the book. Stupid fucking book, with its stupid fucking practice SAT tests and its stupid fucking _answers in the back_.

            Fuck you, book. Fuck you.

            Kenny had to restrain himself from flipping it off.

            He glanced over at Kyle’s alarm clock. 6:45. Another hour before he had to leave for work.

            Another hour of sitting here, staring at the ceiling. Or the wall. Or the floor. And listening to the sound of pages turning.

            _Fuck_.

            He half-stumbled off the bed to get to his shoes. He must have been more tired than he thought, it took him two tries to get them on. He glanced around the room, trying to remember where he’d left his hoodie. Chair? No. Floor? No.          

            … closet?

            HA.

            Having sat on the floor to put his shoes on, he pulled himself up a little and looked around the bed.

            AHA! Stupid fucking hoodie. Trying to fucking hide, like the little shit you are, huh? Fucker…

            He grabbed the sleeve and pulled.

            Hard.

            “Fuck, Kenny!” Kyle growled, nearly falling over as Kenny pulled the hoodie out from under him.

            “What? I need it.” Kenny said, voice slightly muffled as he pulled it on.

            “You could’ve just asked me to move, ass…” Kyle huffed, settling back onto the bed. Kenny frowned at nothing in particular.

            “Right… like you would’ve heard…” He muttered, adjusting the bottom of the hoodie so it didn’t squeeze him too much.

            “What?” Kyle asked, looking up from his book finally.

            “Nothin’…” Kenny stood up, looking around the room to see if he’d left anything else. Shoes - check. Hoodie - Check. Wallet - Check. Pants - hahahaahaaaa. HA. As if that WOULDN’T be a check. It’d been a long time since _those_ had met with Kyle’s floor…

            “Are you going somewhere?” Kyle asked, looking confused. He glanced over at his alarm, then turned back to Kenny with a raised eyebrow. “Dude, you still got an hour before work…”

            “…just some stuff I wanna do…” Kenny said, pulling the hood over his head. Kyle frowned.

            “Come on, stay for dinner at least…”

            Somehow, the way he said it didn’t exactly sound like an _invitation_.

            “Nah, its cool.” Kenny said lightly, heading for the door. “I’ll swipe something from the 24-7. See ya tomorrow.”  
            “Kenny…”

            Kyle’s voice faded away as the blonde closed the door. He made his way, slowly, to the top of the stairs. He paused a second, looking over his shoulder hopefully, but the door stayed closed. Gritting his teeth, Kenny headed down the stairs and out the front door.

            The weather outside was as usual for early spring. Cold and rainy during the day; cold and snowy during the night. Kenny tightened the drawstrings of his hood, but the wind still cut sharply. He grimaced, trudging through half-melted snow and slush towards downtown South Park.

            The 24-7 was just across the street from Tom’s Rhinoplasty, and Kenny stopped in front of it, considering his options. Cinnamon Buns. Doughnuts. Those little French pastry thingies with strawberry filling and powdered sugar on top.

            His stomach growled, but his throat clenched.

            He doubted he’d be able to keep anything down for long.

            He kicked angrily at a nearby snow pile. Not entirely smart.

            “FUCK!” Whose fucking bright idea was it to leave a fucking _BOULDER_ buried under a pile of snow? SHIT. Kenny stumbled to the next light pole, leaning against it as he let the throbbing in his foot subside. He’d like to meet that fucktard. Oh yeah, show him what the fuck he thought about shit-heads who went around leaving fucking boulders under snow piles in the middle of the fucking sidewalk.

            He half-limped onward. Fuck swiping anything. Fuck, he was so fucking tired. He finally made it to the door of the town’s convenience store. Andy’s, it was. Maybe. Fuck, he’d worked here for two months now and he still had no fucking clue what it was called. Maybe if the sign was repainted, he could figure it out.

            The bell on the door jingled as he went in. Music was playing, some sort of country, and Kenny groaned. Honestly, what the fuck? That’s just what he needed… He ignored the one customer in the store and trudged on to the back room.

            “You got someone out front…” he muttered to Abigail as he walked past her. The blonde girl merely shrugged, continuing to flip through a 4-inch thick novel.

            “I’m supposed to be finding something for him…” She said disinterestedly.

            “Hngh…” Kenny pushed and pulled some packs of paper towels into a corner and collapsed on them. Fuck he was tired. He didn’t understand, he never used to be so fucking - what was that word? - _lethargic_ before. Lethargic, that was the word, right? Whatever… Fuck. He curled up on his makeshift bed, burying his face in his hood. Fuck. He just _did not feel good_ right now. Everything seemed to fucking whirly in his head lately. He groaned, shifting on the rolls of paper towels, and let himself fall into dark.

 

****

 

            Kenny walked down the line of bathroom stalls, whistling happily and kicking at each door as he walked past.

            Empty. Empty. Empty.

            His whistling took on a triumphant note reminiscent of a certain video game’s victory song as he kicked open the last stall’s door.

            And it wasn’t really that he had been ignoring the footsteps behind him all the way as much as he hadn’t really been paying attention to them, so he ended up just a little surprised as a firm hand planted itself on the small of his back and shoved him, ungraciously, into the stall.

            _Fuck_

            He managed to keep from…ugh… falling into the toilet, and turned around to send a fiery glare at Kyle as the redhead closed the stall door behind them.

            “What?” Kyle asked, looking as if he _hadn’t_ just shoved the blond into a tiny, cramped space.

            Kenny stuck his tongue out at him.

            “Well, if that’s the way you wanna play…” Kyle smirked, reaching out to put his fingers in Kenny’s belt loops and pull him forward. Kenny frowned at him, turning his face away when the redhead leaned in.

            “You know, we really shouldn’t be doing this…” he muttered conspiratorially, reaching his hand up to pull at one of Kyle’s curls, as if they _haven‘t_ been ditching classes to meet up in the bathroom for most of the past three months. He twists the curl around his finger, letting go to watch it bounce back. Kyle had let his hair grow a bit longer, and god, _god_ , Kenny loved playing with that hair. It was _yes_ , it was very, very _yes_.

            Kenny pulled on another curl, attempting _not_ to make some stupid sheep comment.

            Kyle, in return, head butted him.

            “Fuck, dude!” Kenny pulled back, rubbing the side of his head. Kyle frowned at him, but his eyes glistened playfully.

            “Fuck you, what’d I tell you about playing with my hair?” Kyle frowned some more. For a second Kenny wondered whether he really was annoyed; these days it was becoming a little difficult to tell.

            Eh. Whatever.

            In retaliation to the question, Kenny reached up, tangled his fingers in Kyle’s hair, and messed it up. He messed it up _good_. And he knew he was messing it up good because Kyle started growling curses at him a second into it.

            “FUCK stop you fucking little piece of shit…” Kyle attempted to pull away, but Kenny laughed, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulled him back in.

            “Dude, you know, my parent’s went to visit my Uncle for the weekend…” Kenny started, and felt Kyle’s arms wrap themselves around his waist.

            “Really…?” Kyle asked, a smile playing across his lips.

            “Yeah, I was gonna ask you to come over, but I know how you’re all studying for the SATs and stuff…” Kenny continued. Kyle’s arms clenched around him, and before he could continue the redhead was kissing him.

            _Fuck yeah!_

            Kenny responded eagerly, this time at least. Kyle kissed _deep_ , and _long_ , so _fucking long_ , just the way he liked it.

            _ughhh… awesome…_

            The sharp ringing of the end-of-period bell shocked them out of their impromptu make-out-session, and for a moment Kenny found himself confused with what to do first: pull his one hand out of Kyle’s hair, or his other hand out from under Kyle’s shirt?

            Shit, he didn’t want to do either…

            Finally, Kenny  figured it out, and they managed to disentangle themselves without grievous injury. He stumbled out of the stall with Kyle, stopping only briefly by the mirrors to pull his shirt back in place. Kyle stood next to him, running fingers through his hair in an attempt to tame it back into place. HA. Kenny smirked, Kyle was going to have a shit-load of work to get his hair back in order.

            Kyle saw the look, and glared at him.    

            “If I’m late for my class…” He started, but Kenny only laughed at the look he sent his way.

            “You’ll just have to tell me after school…” The blond said, sauntering off to the doorway. He stopped before leaving to send a look back, “Or better yet, _show me_ …”

            Kyle sent him the kind of smoldering look that causes people to internally combust from pure ecstasy.

            At least, Kenny thought that was probably that kind of look. It would make sense, considering how fucking hot he just got.

            _Mmmmm… ohh yeahhh…_

            He decided to start down the hallway before he began to develop a _real_ problem.

            _heh…_

 

***

           

            FUCK.

            Fuck, if Kyle called him a fucking _bitch_ one more time today, one more _fucking time_ , Kenny swore, _SWORE_ , to God and Satan and every fucking shitty thing in between, there would be hell to pay.

            _There would be fucking hell to pay_.

            “Jesus-fucking-christ, dude! Calm the fuck down!”

            Kenny turned to face him slowly. The muscles in his shoulders were so tight, they were starting to ache, and fuck, they were not helping his shitty mood at all. He glared dagger, fucking daggers of fucking fire, at the redhead.

            Kyle continued to sit back on Kenny’s bed as he had been, arms crossed behind his head, legs slightly bent in front of him.

            Oh, and yes, he frowned.

            FUCK.

            Kenny remembered a time when a glare from him would make Kyle take a step back and reevaluate his situation.

            Now… _now_ … it made him frown. Frown, like an owner frowns at a stupid dog that’s growling for no reason; he doesn’t want to know what pissed it off, he just wants it to _stop_.

            “I told you Kyle. I am not - your fucking - _bitch­_.” Kenny spat that last word, seething. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. By HELL he… arrggh… fuck… There weren’t a lot of things he regretted after getting together with Kyle, no, no, there were very few things at all. Very, _very_ , few things..

            But one..

            The most… fucking… important thing…

            Kyle let out a sigh, and pulled himself off the bed. Kenny eyed him warily as he trudged across the floor towards him.

            “Kenny, look, I’m sorry, all right? Its just came out…” Kyle, looking him in the eyes. “Dude, _come on_ … I don’t get what the fucking problem is, anyway…”

            Kenny closed his eyes, restraining from chewing his tongue. He didn’t know what the fucking problem was. He _did not know what the FUCKING PROBLEM WAS_.

            As if Kenny wasn’t fucking embarrassed enough _as it was…_

            As if Kenny didn’t have the fucking right to be embarrassed about…

            _about…_

            “Whatever.” Kenny growled, starting to stalk his way across the floor. He didn’t make it far before he felt Kyle’s hand on one of his wrists. Angrily, he whipped around, only to smack straight into the taller boy’s chest.

            Instead of backing away, Kyle tightened his grip on the blonde’s wrist and put his other arm around his waist. Kenny gritted his teeth, ready to kick if the need arose.

            “Kenny, come on… stop being so pissy…” Kyle said, leaning forward so their foreheads touched. Kenny stayed silent, ignoring the fact that Kyle’s hand was now gently rubbing along his back. Ignoring the fact that Kyle was now brushing his lips across his forehead and softly murmuring “I’m sorry” and “calm down” in soothing tones.

            Ignoring it, as best he could, because he knew exactly what was going on.

            This was what boyfriends did to calm down their…

            …their…

            …

            _girlfriends…_

            Kenny suppressed a shudder, and jerked away from Kyle’s soft kisses.

            “Let go, Kyle.” He said coldly, trying to pull his wrist out of the redhead’s grasp.

            “No, not until you calm down.” Kyle said, pulling him back. Kenny grunted, but, as usual, he felt his resolve melting away a bit more each time Kyle touched a kiss to his skin. The kisses were getting closer and closer to their final destination, but Kenny wasn’t fighting them half as much as he should’ve been. Kyle’s hand released its hold on Kenny’s wrist in favor of palming his ass, and Kenny couldn’t help but push back against it.

            Fuck, but Kyle made him feel good. He made him feel _wanted_ , feel _needed_. Shit, he’d do anything to feel like this, anything in the fucking world. Anything… anything… but…

            Some things were a necessary evil… and others…

            _others…_

            Kyle kissed him, deep. And slow. And Kenny couldn’t have pulled back if he tried.

            _But…_

            Would things have been different?

            …if he hadn’t been so easy back then…

            …if he hadn’t… fuck… this fear, fear of losing him… if he _hadn’t_ let it totally and completely take control of him..

            …if that fear of being alone again hadn’t made him…

            …made him do…

            _fuck_

            The kiss was sweet, and it was hot, and shit, it made him burn inside and made his head all fuzzy and if there was anything, _any fucking thing_ , in the world that should prove to him that things were good, and awesome, and so, so great, then this, _this_ , should be it.

            …and it did. Almost.

            Until things went farther.

            Until regret started turning everything sour again.


	8. Chapter 8

Kenny stared at the sky. Maybe, somewhere up there, there was… something. He frowned, chewing thoughtfully on his unlit cigarette. Something, something. The tracks beneath his feet rumbled slightly, but he ignored them, still staring at the sky. There had to be something out there that he was looking for. Fuck, what else explained how he was feeling? Well, other than… He sighed, spitting the chewed, and now worthless, cigarette onto the ground. A loud horn sounded off somewhere. He wondered what Kyle was doing at the moment; studying, no doubt. Kenny grimaced, _study study study_. He wanted to take those stupid shitty books and toss them into Stark’s Pond.

            _Stupid fucking--_

            The horn sounded again, louder, and Kenny felt the rumbling under his feet growing fiercer quickly.

            “All right already! Fuck…” He rolled his eyes, hopping off the tracks and walking off a few feet. Folding his arms behind his head he looked up into the sky again. The wind of the passing train whipped at his clothes, tried to rip his hood off his head, and he frowned. _Stupid ass train…_

            Standing where he was, he could see his mom hanging the wash out to dry on the clothesline that stretched between the back porch and a large tree. Elm, maybe. Or oak. Or something else. Whatever it was, it marked the beginning of the scrub and brush.

            It was a lonely house, alone on this side of the tracks, the forest growing up closer to it each year. Kenny imagined waking up one day to find the house surrounded on all sides, trees poking branches in through windows and the raccoons and squirrels sleeping in their ragged couch and mattresses. They’d have to share with the rats, but he doubted that would go over well. A real live nature showdown would be had, he guessed.

            He imagined the rats kicking ass.

            The roar of the train began to recede, and he turned around. Fifty yards from the tracks, South Park began. The real town began. The real _world_ began.

            Kenny stood there and looked at the building, watched the people in the distance walk, and talk, and laugh, and run.

            Watched them not look in his direction.

            Somewhere in that real world was Kyle.

            The thought did nothing to help his mood.

 

***

 

            “Kennnehhhh, come ooonnn…” Cartman whined, leaning on the counter. Kenny rolled his eyes, continuing to scan items into the register.

            “Dude, chill…” He said, packing the items into a bag. The customer handed him the correct amount of money, five dollars and eighty-three cents, and left. “You think I _want_ to be here?”

            Cartman sighed loudly, eyes towards the heavens. Kenny leaned against the counter, waiting.

            “Kenneh, ah told you, Ah specifically told you to take tonight off, did ah not?” Cartman said with extreme patience. Kenny snorted, crossing his arms.

            “And ‘ah specifically told you’,” He began in his best Cartman imitation, “That the manager wouldn’t let me.”

            “You should’ve pretended you were sick, or better!” Cartman raised a figure triumphantly. “Dead!”

            Kenny glared at him.

            “Ha ha ha, very fuckin’ funny…” He said, then sighed. He’d love nothing more than to skip work and go do whatever it was Cartman had thought up this time (he couldn’t remember exactly what, but it was sure to be better than dealing with stupid ass customers all night).

            “So, when you getting off at?” Cartman asked, looking through the candy display.

            “Midnight.” Kenny muttered in reply, staring moodily at the clock on the wall. Three more hours. Three more fucking hours of standing there, scanning items, trying to do his best to _not_ scowl at every customer.

            “Hm, and then what?” Cartman dumped a few candy bars and a bag of Fritos on the counter. Kenny stared at them for a long moment.

            “Hngh.” He replied. Cartman rasied an eyebrow. “I don’t know…”

            “Home?” Cartman asked as Kenny finally got around to ringing him up.

            “…I guess…” Kenny shrugged, taking the money from Cartman. There really wasn’t much else to do after work, anyway.

            “Gahd, Kenneh… You’re such a loser…” Cartman shook his head sadly, taking back his change and grabbing his snacks. “Whateveh, po’boy, Ah’ll see ya tomorrow…”

            Kenny grunted in reply as Cartman walked off, then glanced around the counter. There really wasn’t much to tidy up, or fix, or anything. Business, as usual, was slow at this time of the evening, but he could always count on someone coming in at the most inopportune moments. He stretched, wincing as his back cracked, and made his way to the backroom.

           

***

           

            Three hours later found him wandering, zombie-like, down the dark streets, two cans of stolen pepsi and a handful of beef jerky stowed away in his pockets, a half-smoked cigarette in his lips, and the fading strains of Alannah Myles’ “Black Velvet” ringing in his head. The night was cold, and dark, and quiet, and it was getting on his nerves, so, in retaliation, he threw his head back and belted out:

            “The way he moved, it was a sin, so sweet and truuueee!”

            A sudden burst of laughter ahead of him stopped him in his tracks, and he looked toward it suspiciously.

            “Ken, babe… you got a nice voice, sure, but country just doesn’t sound like your kind of thing…” Kyle said, shaking his head as he stepped forward. Kenny stared at him dumbly for a moment.

            “What the fuck are you doing here?” He said finally.

            “Oh, wow, its nice to see you too.” Kyle looked at him, almost grinning but not quite.

            “Well, shit, shouldn’t you be sleeping by now?” Kenny said, puzzled. His head really didn’t like working anytime after eleven at night. Kyle chuckled, walking up closer.

            “Supposedly,“ He said, leaning a bit towards the blond. “I thought I could walk you home.”

            Kenny leaned away a little, glancing around into the darkness.

            “Oh, really?” He grinned, looking back at Kyle. His boyfriend had shown up to walk him home. The ungodly cuteness of the situation hung around like some sort of thick pastel colored cigarette smoke.

            Kenny ignored just how fruity the idea was and decided to dwell on the more important fact: Kyle had come to see him. The thought alone made his insides squirm in the kind of warm squirminess that could only be called _sheer and utter happiness_. The fact that Kyle’s face was less than inches away from his own, and that Kyle was looking him in the eyes in the most awesome way possible, only added to the warm squirminess.

            So Kenny leaned forward, and he kissed him, and Kyle let out a surprised little “unf” of air that only made Kenny giddier. Oh yeah, he thought, this time _I_ win.

            He pulled back, and Kyle grinned at him. In a relaxed sort of silence they set off down the street, walking close enough that their shoulders kept bumping into one another. In truth, it was Kenny’s shoulder that was doing most of the bumping, though he wouldn’t have admitted it. He just liked being close to Kyle, he just liked feeling that he was _real_ , that he was _there,_ that he wasn’t going to fade away the second Kenny turned to look at something else.

            It was strange, but the more time he spent with Kyle, the more he was scared of those kinds of moments. Moments when he thought Kyle might not want to be around him anymore, moments where Kyle would look at him, but not really _see_ him. Kenny refused to let those kinds of thoughts fuck around with him most of the time. It was easy during the day, when he was around people, and when there was sun everywhere and everything looked new, and fresh, and _there_. The night changed things. It made them seem distant, foggy. It made everything look like ghosts, like faded memories. It was during the night when he couldn’t fight back those thoughts, couldn’t fight back that feeling of _distance_ that found its way into him whenever he thought about those things.

            Kenny glanced over at Kyle, wondering if he ever felt like that too. Hngh, probably not. Why should he? His world existed, his world didn’t hang on a thread, about to be swallowed up by an unforgiving wilderness. At least that’s what Kenny thought, at least, that’s how it all looked to him.

            “Kenny, you all right?” Kyle said, and the blond twitched in surprise. Kenny laughed the question off, but Kyle was still frowning at him.

            “Nah, dude, I’m fine…” Kenny said lightly, shoving those stupid thoughts away. “Just tired as shit, that’s all…”  
            “Hmph.” Kyle let out, and his hand found Kenny’s in the darkness. The blond gripped it happily, but was forced to suppress a groan all the same. Stupid, stupid, stupid…he should’ve said he was thinking about home, or that his brother was getting on his nerves lately, or that the stupid strays they’ve been feeding were pissing all over their couches again, fuck, _fuck_ , anything but saying that.

            “I still don’t like the hours they gave you…” Kyle said, and Kenny closed his eyes to keep from replying. He did _not_ want to talk about this right now… “I mean, its not like anyone comes in this late anyway…”

            “Yeah, but it wouldn’t be a convenience store if it wasn’t open as long as it was fucking convenient…” Kenny said, grinning at Kyle. Look, see? Stupid joke, hahaha, funny…

            Kyle just kept looking at him, frowning.

            “Kenny, honestly-”  
            “KYLE.” Kenny said finally, groaning. “Dude, just let it go. I _really_ don’t want to get into this right now, all right?”

            Kenny felt his arm jerk as Kyle stopped suddenly. He turned with a loud groan and sigh to face the redhead, who was giving him a _very_ serious look at the moment.

            Fuck. FUCK. He didn’t like it when Kyle got _that_ look. When Kyle got _that_ look, it could only mean that he was going to go off on one of his ‘talks’, where he’d try to get Kenny to think the way _he_ thought about a certain something.

            And it wasn’t that Kenny didn’t want to hear the ‘talk’, or anything. It was just that, when it all came down to it, he had a hard time thinking the way Kyle did about things. Shit, for Kyle, everything was so fucking logical. Kenny didn’t get that. He _couldn’t_ get that. For Kenny, things didn’t fall into place like that, nothing, _nothing_ , that he saw in his mind had a specific, right place.

            And so, it usually ended with Kyle sighing with disappointment.

            Ugh.

            And that’s what Kenny couldn’t stand.

            He didn’t like kissing ass, or suckering up to keep Kyle happy, that just wasn’t his _thing_ , but he didn’t like disappointing Kyle either.

            “Kenny-” Kyle tried to start again.

            Situations like these made Kenny desperate.

            So, of course, he interrupted as best he could.

            “Beef jerky?”

            Kyle blinked, pulling back slightly from the plastic wrapped snack that had been shoved in his face.

            “Kenny-”  
            “MMmmm, lookit me, I’m so tasty… mmmm…” Kenny made the jerky fly around Kyle’s face.

            “I mean it-”  
            “MMmm… I’m such a tasty hunk a’meat, don’t you just wanna eat me?”

            “I’ll eat _you_ , you stupid shit…” Kyle laughed finally, nabbing the jerky out of Kenny’s hand. The blonde grinned: Crisis Averted!

            Together they set off walking again.

            Kenny grinned mischievously.

            “So, was that a promise?”

            The blond ducked as a piece of jerky was spit at him.

            “Dude! Don’t waste food!” He said in mock-anger, stopping and pointing at the piece on the ground.

            “What’re you gonna do about it?” Kyle asked, crossing his arms.

            “You’re gonna pick that up, boy. You’re gonna pick that up with your _teeth_.” Kenny said, waving his finger in Kyle’s face.

            Kyle, in return, pulled Kenny into another kiss.

            _Mmmm… spicy… that beef jerky sure did taste good…_

            “You never answered the question…” Kenny reminded as soon as they were apart. Kyle grinned slyly.

            “I think that’s a question better answered behind closed doors…”

 

***

 

            “Kenny, for the last time!”

            “What?” Kenny whined.

            Kyle closed the heavy SAT-Prep book and smacked Kenny in the arm.

            “OW! Fuck, what the hell…?!” Kenny pulled back, holding his arm close. That was going to leave a bruise. Shit.

            “I told you to stop it.” Kyle growled, opening the book back up and glaring at its pages. Kenny glared at him in turn. Fuck. Its not like it was _his_ fault that he was so fucking horny. That was Kyle’s work, what with him feeling Kenny up all, _all_ , of the walk home.

            And then leaving because his brother called his cell and threatened to tell their parents that Kyle wasn’t asleep like he was supposed to be.

            And now _Kenny_ was the bad guy?

            He sighed, reaching a hand out to touch one of Kyle’s curls. He didn’t like it when Kyle got this pissy, especially since he only got this pissy at Kenny. It was made even more horrible by the fact that Kenny had no idea how to get him _out_ of the pissiness. He always felt a bit lonelier when Kyle was mad at him. Fuck, everyone in the fucking world could be on his back, he wouldn’t care, but if Kyle got mad at him, even if only a little… It made him hurt inside. Three months, and Kenny still felt as if he could lose him at any moment. Three months were almost a lifetime in high school, but it wasn’t enough for him. It wasn’t enough to grant him any sort of piece of mind.

            Kyle growled as soon as Kenny’s fingers touched his hair.

            _SNAP_

            Kenny pushed to his feet, whirling around angrily to face Kyle. The redhead threw down his book, glaring up at him.

            “What the fuck!” Kenny growled.

            “I told you to STOP.” Kyle got to his feet, eyes narrowed. “This is important, Kenny! Pass-”

            “ ‘-sing the SATs is the first step in getting into a good college.’ “ Kenny finished for him. “I KNOW THAT.”

            “Then why the fuck do you keep bothering me?” Kyle growled. “I can’t afford to get distracted right now.”

            Distracted, distracted… that’s what he was, right, a fucking _distraction_ …

            Kenny gritted his teeth. His chest felt like something had clawed right through it, no, like something had _exploded_ there, breaking ribs and leaving a gaping hole where his heart should be.

            GAH that sounded so _emo-pussy_ but he couldn’t quite bring himself to care about that at the moment.

            “If you don’t want me here, Kyle, then just stop fucking asking me to come over,” Kenny hissed, whirling around and stalking out of the room. He slammed the door behind him for good measure. Yes. Anger. Loud noises. All of it, it was good. It helped keep the pain away. It helped keep him from thinking too hard.

            Right now, he didn’t want to think at all.

            “What’s going on?” Sheila hustled worriedly out of the living room, but Kenny pushed passed without looking at her.

            “Your son’s an _ass_ , that’s what.” He growled, and heard her gasp sharply behind him. Still, he managed to be out the door before she started on one of her famous tirades (a trait that Kyle had, no doubt, inherited to some degree).

            Fuck. And shit. And other expletives his mind was too racy to remember. Was it so wrong? Was it really so wrong to want to be close to someone? To want to feel them, to touch them? To want to _be_ with them?

            It wasn’t like this before. Kenny wondered when it went wrong, when afternoons at Kyle’s house stopped being fun, and started becoming a chore. A part of a routine.

            Shit. They used to actually hang out. Kyle would use him as a pillow while studying. Kenny would mess up his hair, poke him, feel him up, and Kyle would glare at him, but he’d laugh, and they’d be okay. They’d been so relaxed, back then. They’d been… happy.

            And now? Now Kenny was distracting. He was bothering him.

            Kenny didn’t get it. He didn’t understand.

            He crossed the train tracks, his anger fading.

            Home was a pain, for sure.

            But at least here, he knew he belonged.


	9. Chapter 9

Tuesday Kenny spent the afternoon at Cartman’s house. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant place to stay, even though Cartman wasn’t as harsh to him as he used to be. He spent Wednesday wandering around the woods behind his house and chasing around the strays that always seemed to gather in their front yard. Nights at work were uneventful and boring, and he couldn’t really remember much of what went on their.

            School was… not as bad as he thought it would be. He didn’t share any morning classes with Kyle, and he spent lunches smoking out back beneath the bleachers. Three of his afternoon classes had Kyle in them, a fact he’d thought he’d enjoy, but fuck, things change. Two of them were classes where paying attention was required, and he only sat next to Kyle in one of them. Of course, that meant he spent all of Tuesday’s class ignoring the looks Kyle was sending him and staring off someplace else. It actually _hurt_ , more than he’d like to admit, but shit, he wasn’t going to roll over now.

            The third class was study, but since Kyle was in that stupid fucking SAT prep course Kenny didn’t have to worry about running into him then.

            Of course, part of him had hoped that he was important enough that Kyle would skip a few minutes, just a few, at least, to try to talk to him.

            As usual, he’d been proved wrong.

            Now it was Thursday, and he’d been bored enough after school to end up sitting on the bleachers instead of going anywhere else. The sky above was a grayish-blue, the clouds stretched thin across it. It looked… subdued, just like he felt. Maybe he _should_ just go back to Kyle’s house, maybe Kyle wouldn’t be that angry. He groaned, falling back onto the cold metal of the bleachers and throwing an arm over his eyes. Of course Kyle would be angry, he’d be so fucking angry it would take him fucking _weeks_ to chew Kenny out, the blonde was sure. There would be yelling, and finger pointing, and splattering of emotions all over the walls, not to mention they’d probably start beating on each other. Again.

                He felt so _melodramatic_ at the moment.

            He felt the bleachers thump with the force of steps as someone walked across them. They came closer to him, but he didn’t react. Ugh…

            “You’re in my spot,” A cool voice reached him. A familiar voice. A girl’s voice.

            “Abigail.” He said, keeping his eyes covered. “Take a walk.”

            “Hmph.” He felt her steps as she walked back down the bleachers. And he groaned.

            “ARGH.” He sat up sharply. “Get back here!”

            The blonde girl turned around, frowning up at him.

            “You really need to make up your mind.” She said, but didn’t move from where she stood.

            “Just get up here, I’m leaving…” Kenny stomped his way down the bleachers. He glared at each step as he tramped on it, shoving his hands in his pockets as he reached the bottom. “Sorry…”  
            “Girl trouble.” She nodded, a statement. He looked at her sharply; fuck, did it show?

            “Uh, yeah…” He shifted slightly. Shit, was he really that see through? At least she said ‘girl’. Shit, he could only imagine what would happen if… well, if anyone figured it out. He looked at her from the corner of his eye, but she gave him the same even look she gave everyone.

            “Talk to Butters,” Abigail said finally, turning and making her way at a normal pace up the bleachers. He stared after her for a moment. Butters? What the fuck was that about?   
            “Who?!” He squeezed out finally, still staring after her. She reached her spot and sat, pulling out a new, thick paperback.

            “Butters.” She said simply, opening the book to page one. “He knows more than you‘d think.”

            “Uh… right…” Kenny didn’t really believe _that_. Butters? Giving relationship advice? Ha! He couldn’t remember the last time he saw him with a girl. Actually, he couldn’t remember Butters with a girl, _ever_. Pfft, sure Abigail. What a weirdo.

            He turned around, heading away from the football field and onto the tree-sheltered path that led to a back street. He could take that around and head down to Stark’s Pond. Or maybe not, he could take it the other way and go out… where did it go again? Hm, maybe he would go that way… it was sure to kill some time.

            “You two always run into each other like that?”

            The voice was surprising, but Kenny only groaned and kept walking. He did _not_ like that tone.

            “Fuck off Kyle,” He said, refusing to acknowledge him anymore than that. Funny, to be here he’d have to stop studying, which would mean that he put Kenny ahead of that, which should make Kenny feel better, but fuck, it didn’t, and Kenny didn’t know why, but he _did_ know that he wanted Kyle to do good on the SATs, because he knew that they meant a lot to him, but to do that he’d have to study, which he wasn’t doing because he was out here trying to talk to Kenny. Kenny guessed that’s what was called _conflicting emotions_ , but he just preferred to call it _fucked up in the head at the moment_.

            “Kenny, wait,” Kyle said, his voice sounding _very_ controlled. “We need to talk.”

            No fucking shit, Sherlock. What a fucking great realization.

            “Talk to yourself.” Kenny growled, continuing to walk. He was jerked back, suddenly, and realized that Kyle had grabbed a hold of his hoodie. He pulled away fiercely, angrily, turning to glare at the redhead. The words he was about to spit out caught in his throat, and the only sound he could make for a moment was a small whine.

            “You…” His voice sounded shaky even to him, “You cut your hair.”

            Kyle closed his eyes, sighing deeply, but Kenny didn’t pay attention to that. Fuck. _Fuck_.

            “Kenny, listen to me…” Kyle started, looking at him again.

            “You cut your hair.” Kenny couldn’t seem to move his mind from that point. Shit, he knew, he _knew_ that Kyle was always complaining whenever he messed his hair up, but he didn’t think… fuck, he didn’t think he hated it _that_ much. It was short. It was So. Fucking. Short. It was shorter than before, it was shorter than Kenny ever remembered him having it!

            “Kenny!” Kyle snapped, and the blond jerked out of his daze. Kenny glared at him, taking a step back.

            “Fuck you…”

            “Kenny, please, I’m sorry…” Kyle said, trying to look in his eyes. Maybe he was being truthful, but Kenny couldn’t feel that.

            “No you’re not.” Kenny kept glaring at him, taking another step back, but Kyle reached out and grabbed him by the hoodie again, pulling him back.. Kenny dug his heels into the ground, refusing to budge, refusing to get any closer.

            “Yes I am.” Kyle said.

            “No. You’re not.” Kenny spat as angrily as he could.

            “YES I AM YOU FUCK!” Kyle growled, loudly, and both of them froze, glancing around for a moment in fear that someone might have heard. Kyle turned back to him, and this time he did look sorry.

            “Kenny, please, talk to me.” He stepped a little closer to the blond.

            “No.” Kenny replied automatically. He kept glaring at Kyle because if he stopped then he would have to realize that Kyle was really, really close to him, and he hadn’t been this close to Kyle in so fucking long and shit he was thinking about it and thinking about how no one was around and no one would see them and… and…

            Fuck.

            He pushed Kyle further away before his mind started going off again.

            “Kenny-” Kyle sounded desperate this time, but Kenny ignored it, He turned halfway around, looking somewhere, anywhere else, trying to get the thoughts in his mind under control.

            “When are the SATs?” He asked; Kyle had told him once, but he hadn’t paid attention. Supposedly, he should be taking them too, but fuck, it wasn’t like they’d matter or anything, he didn’t understand a quarter of the shit in those books.

            “..what?” Kyle sounded genuinely confused. Kenny gritted his teeth.

            “When are the SATs?” He asked again.

            “…on the tenth…” Kyle said uncertainly. “Why?”

            “Then we’ll talk…” Kenny nodded, starting off again.

            “But… Kenny?” He heard Kyle start walking after him.

            “…on the eleventh.” Kenny finished. He heard Kyle stop behind him.

            “What?!”

            Kenny grinned to himself at the surprise and shock in Kyle’s voice. For a moment, he sort of felt… in control. The grin didn’t last long, and when he spoke again he was scowling.

            “I wouldn’t want you to get _distracted_ before then,” He spat over his shoulder. “Good luck Kyle.”  
           

***

 

            Kenny was beginning to regret his decision. Fuck, so yeah, Kyle would still be mad at him, probably. And yeah, there’d be the _talk_ and the iciness afterwards and all that stupid shit that always followed, but it would’ve been worth it, wouldn’t it? If he could only be there, with Kyle now. Fuck, he’d take the sitting and staring at the ceiling, he’d take listening to nothing but pages turning, doing nothing but laying there, staring at him, everything, anything, if he’d only be able to be by him, next to him. Feel him there, know he was real.

            Kenny twisted on his bed, groaning. Fuuuu-uuuu-uuucccckkk… He didn’t know if he could take it much longer. Going without Kyle was worse than going without food, or water, or, or smokes, it was worse than _anything_.

            Maybe he just felt like that because it was night, he thought. With the darkness all around him, he felt so lonely. He was scared; maybe he was too harsh. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. Maybe he should’ve taken the time to just listen, at least.

            He dragged himself off the bed, staggering over to the far wall. His beat up dresser stood half-leaning against the wall, and above it hung a calendar. He rarely looked at it, but for the past few days his eyes had been locked on it more often than not. March 7th. Four days since he’d last talked with Kyle. Four more days until he’d let himself talk to him again.

            Four days, four days… Four days was _nothing_ , ha! He could do this, shit. He could pull it off. He was _strong_ enough. Four days was nothing.

                He walked over to the closet and started digging through some of the discarded clothes on the floor inside.

            He was going to survive, four days wasn’t the end of the world.

            He finally pulled out a dark grayish-green t-shirt.

            He was going to be totally _fine_ , that’s what he was going to be.

            Stumbling back to his bed he collapsed, pulling the shirt close to himself. He buried his face in the fabric, breathing deeply.

            Four days was nothing. He could do this.

            He could do this.


	10. Chapter 10

It was study, and Kenny was actually in the room they were supposed to be in. That fact in and of itself was enough to show just how preoccupied with things he was at the moment. He was sitting on the floor, in a corner, and staring up at the clock that hung on the wall.

            He was counting the hours.

            _What a fucking loser…_

            He closed his eyes, trying to stop thinking about things.

            Tomorrow were the SATs.

            The day after was the eleventh.

            _stop…stop…stop…_

            And on the eleventh he got to talk to Kyle again.

            He got to see Kyle again.

            _urrrggghhhhh_

            Apparently, he wasn’t going to stop thinking about it. He wasn’t going to stop thinking about Kyle, and about how awesome it would be to see him again, and talk to him, even if they did end up getting totally pissed at each other. How awesome it would be just to be by him again. Fuck, he wanted to go find him right now. Right now, just get up and go over to that stupid SAT prep course and just drag him out of there and… and…

            The ringing bell saved him from doing anything totally spontaneous and most likely stupid. He grabbed his bag and made his way out of the room, getting pulled along in the tide of students rushing out of study and heading home. He felt a little sleepy, he’d been feeling that a lot lately, even more ever since he’d stopped seeing Kyle. Everything around him was noisy and bustling and loud, but it felt like it was all so far away from him, the noises muted and distant. He kept his gaze on the ground as he shuffled out of the school, wincing as bright light hit his face but too tired to pull his hood on.

            The amount of out-of-it that he was was so fucking huge that when a hand clapped him on the shoulder, he didn’t even blink. That was beyond out-of-it, that was fucking my-brain’s-taking-a-vacation-in-the-Alps-for-the-next-Five-Years out-of-it.

            “Hey Kenny, how’s it goin’?” He voice was wavery, as usual with it, but mostly pleasant. Kenny grunted in reply and turned to Butters.

            “What?” He asked. Strangely, he felt even more detached from everything without a clock to stare at. He had the weirdest feeling that if he wasn’t watching the minute hand tick by, that time was _standing still_

            “Well, Abigail said ya were havin’ some sorta problems, Ah thought Ah might be able to help ya out or something’,” Butters shrugged, grinning.

            Ah, Butters, sweet, innocent little Butters. Always willing to help a friend. Always.

            Kenny grunted again. He didn’t feel like being helped at the moment.

            “I’m fine, Butters,” He said, starting off down the sidewalk. It was clearing up rapidly, people getting into cars or running off, everyone just wanting to be gone, gone, _gone._ Butters followed him, keeping a little behind but staying close. He started humming a random tune, Kenny heard. He wished the other blonde would just leave him alone, he was a little too preoccupied to be entertaining anyone right now.

            “So, what’s wrong?” Butters asked. Kenny didn’t reply, but finally got up the strength to reach up and pull his hood on.

            “You two not talking or somethin’?” Butters probed further.

            “Maybe…” Kenny muttered, distracted. He wondered what Kyle was going to be doing now. Fitting in some extra cram time? Or maybe just trying to relax before the test? It was a big deal, fuck, he better not sleep in tomorrow. He better not fall asleep during the test either. If he stayed up all night just to get some stupid extra study time, Kenny was going to hit him. He would find out, and then he would beat his ass because Kyle always said that a person needed to get some rest before doing anything important and if he didn’t follow his own rules then fuck him. Yeah.

            “Why’s that?” Butters voice was background noise to him, but he responded anyways.

            “Stupid SATs…” Kenny growled. They were reaching the park by the school now, a crappy little number with broken swing sets scattered around a slide and a whirli-thingy, whatever that was called. Kenny walked over to a still hanging swing and sat down, staring out into the trees beyond the park. Butters sat sideways on the swing next to him, putting his feet up on the edge of the broken swing next to his and leaning back against the heavy chain.

            “Ah think you should talk to him,” Butters said, curling his fingers around the chain behind his head.

            “hngh,“ Kenny wondered if he should go to the SATs tomorrow morning. It wasn’t as if it would do any good, he had barely looked at the prep books, even though Kyle had tried to get him to study. He should just skip them, he could always take the next test at the beginning of the new school year, if the school really wanted him to. He didn’t see a point, it wasn’t like he was going to get into any colleges anyway, there was no way he could afford it. Even if a public college took him in, he still wouldn’t have enough for books or fees or anything. But if he skipped the SATs Kyle would know, and he’d be mad about that too. Fuck. Did he really want to piss Kyle off more than he already had?

            “Ah mean, that’s the only way he’ll know what’s wrong, Kenny,” Butters said softly. “Ya can’t expect him to be psychic, things just don’t work like that…”  
            “Come on, like things weren’t totally obvious!” Kenny snorted, “If only he’d taken his nose out of those stupid fucking books he would’ve known…”

            Truth, truth, that’s what it was. Fuck, all he ever did was study, study, study. Kenny felt he was right, shit, if all Kyle was going to do was study whenever he came over, then he didn’t want to be there. What was the point, anyway? Kyle wouldn’t let him touch him, or kiss him, or anything, fuck, just sit there and stare at the walls and sleep. Yeah, that’s what he usually did, fall asleep. Fuck.

            “Well, are ya gonna talk to Kyle, or are ya just gonna let this get all broken and un-fixable or somethin’?” Butters asked, leaning his head back to look  at Kenny.

            “Well, yeah, I’m gonna talk to him-” Kenny stopped.

            _Wait._

_Wait._

            He felt cold all of a sudden. Very, very cold. And his insides suddenly squeezed, and he couldn’t tell if he was breathing at that moment or not.

            “Kenny? Are ya all right?” Butters let of the swing chain and twisted around in his seat.

            Kenny turned to look at him, slowly, because he found he couldn’t move any faster.

            _fuck fuck shit fuck shit shit!_

            “Did… did you… you said, you said…” Kenny heard his voice crack, but couldn’t finish the sentence. Butters stared at him, confused for a moment. Then he sighed, smiling.

            “Kenny. Yes. Ah did.” He clarified.

            “Oh.” Kenny felt colder, if that was possible. Weird, because his hands were sweating so bad he was losing his grip on the swing chain.

            “Its all right.” Butters said.

            “Oh.” Kenny’s mind wasn’t really working, apparently.

            “I didn’t tell anyone.” Butters assured.

            “Oh.” Kenny was still staring at him. “Fuck… fuck, how? How the hell did you find out?”

            Butters smiled wide, shrugging.

            “Ah just put two an’ two together…” Butters said. Kenny looked at him, confused, and the blonde continued. “First, ya weren’t hitting on girls like ya usually are, right? And then, Ah was talkin’ to Stan a few times and he was sayin’ how Kyle was helping ya study a lot lately, which Ah guess was understandable. But then, Kyle started cutting outta Pre-Cal early and coming into History a bit late, and looking all flustered, and Ah just started thinking, ‘cause he never really looked too into any girls, but that was all just somewhere, there, in the back ‘a my head. And then Abigail was sayin’ how sometimes Kyle would show up when your shift was endin’ and he’d stick around until you got off even though it was real late at night to ‘hang out‘ with ya… and now, Ah don’t see you two hangin’ out at all lately, and both ‘a ya are looking like ya just got diagnosed with some horrible disease, or, or someone just died on ya, or somethin’, and then Abigail tells me you’re having some sorta relationship problems or something, so… ya know, I just guessed… musta been right, then…”

            Kenny stared at him. And squeaked. He knew he squeaked, because he recognized it distinctly as the sound a rat made when it was cornered by one of the stray cats that would come into their house whenever they left their door open. Butters was giving him an honest, open, grinny-grin as if everything he said and everything it meant was the most normal of normal things to happen.

            Kenny’s mind had apparently decided to become a broken record.

            _fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…_

            “You make it sound so fucking obvious! Shit!” Kenny felt himself shaking. Shit, what if someone else knew? What if people were starting to figure it out?!

            “What? No, no, Kenny, no, its not,” Butters hurried to reassure him. Kenny found he couldn’t believe him. No way, not if Butters figure it out.

            “People are probably figuring it out right now, right fucking now! Someone’s figuring it out, someone’s putting it all together, and, and figuring it out! That’s what they’re doing!” Kenny gripped the swing chains tightly.

            “Kenny, relax.” Butters laughed. Kenny looked at him in shock. Relax?! “Kenny, listen, ya two weren’t obvious, really. Ah just… well, Ah just know something about… that… ya know?”  
            He laughed again, louder this time.

            “Ya could, ya could say I had some _experience_ in that sorta stuff…” Butters smiled at him, a secret smile. Sweet, innocent, naïve Butters. Kenny was in shock.

            “What.” Kenny tried to phrase it as a question, but failed. Butters shrugged.

            “Had ta go through it a year ago…” He started swinging slightly, dragging the toes of his shoes in the mix of snow and dirt beneath the swings.

            “Fuck.” Kenny was still in a state of disbelief. Somewhere, a train had derailed.

            “Is it really that hard to believe?” Butters asked, looking over with an amused look on his face.

            “Well… kinda, yeah, I mean, sure, you’re not like some macho dude or anything, but…” Kenny shrugged. It was still kind of weird.

            “Hm.” Butters looked a little happier than he had a moment ago. Kenny looked at him for a long moment. He really hadn’t considered that Butters would be… well, fuck, that was a weird thought. It was just plain weird. Except, now that he started thinking about it, it sort of made sense. In some weird way.

            “How… how did it go?” Kenny asked finally, his voice low.

            Butters looked at the ground, biting his lip. A simple question, but Kenny wondered if maybe he’d asked something a little too… personal. He looked away, off to the trees across from them again. With the initial shock gone, he felt a little… calm. It was kind of nice to have someone else know your secret, actually. Kind of nice to think that you have someone to talk to about it.

            “Its not easy to find someone who’s willin’ to take the risk, Kenny,” Butters finally spoke. He’d been quiet for so long that Kenny had begun to forget that he’d even asked a question. “Its just too much for some people… If… if ya two are willin’ to work with each other, if ya two are really _serious_ about this… Then Ah don’t think that somethin’ stupid like the SATs should get in the way of that… Ya know? If, if ya really want to be together, then ya’ll find a way to work past it…”

            Butters looked up, and Kenny saw that even though he was smiling, a bit nervously, his eyes were sad. Kenny felt a pang deep inside. Shit, Butters was right. He did want to be with Kyle, and even though the redhead was being an ass lately, he knew that Kyle wanted to be with him too. And stupid shit shouldn’t get in the way of being with someone you really wanted to be with.

            “Thanks Butters.” Kenny said, and he really meant it. Fuck, everything was so clear now. The blond smiled, looking a little more relaxed.

            “So, are ya gonna talk to him?” Butters asked, starting to swing a little harder. Kenny nodded.

            “Sunday.” He said, dropping his hands on his knees.

            “Sunday?” Butters sounded puzzled.

            “I told him we’d talk on the day after the SATs.” Kenny explained, “And fuck, I’m not gonna go running to him like a little girl just because I figured out I want to work things out for real this time.”

            Butters laughed.

            “You’re way too stubborn.” Butters shook his head. Kenny glared at him.

            “Me? No fucking way, he’s the stubborn one.” Kenny folded his arms, “Shit. I’m just keeping to my word, that’s all.”

            “You just don’t want to look over-anxious.” Butters translated. He seemed to be getting a kick out of the situation. Kenny flipped him off.

            “You know what? You know what you can go do right now?” Kenny growled. “Yeah, that, that right there.”

            Butters laughed again, and this time Kenny joined in.

            “Tell me how it goes?” Butters asked, sounding innocent and hopeful again.

            “Sure, why the hell not…” Kenny shrugged. He looked over at the other blond, grinning evilly. “Wanna see who can jump off of these the farthest?”

            “Ah don’t know Kenny…” Butters looked a little unsure. “Last time Clyde tried it he broke his arm in two places…”

            “Aw, you pussy,” Kenny started swinging hard, “Be a man!”

            “I am a man!” Butters replied indignantly, but started swinging as well.

            “Loser buys dinner,” Kenny laughed.

            Finally, he didn’t feel like drowning himself anymore.   
            It was good.


	11. Chapter 11

The ash at the end of Kenny’s cigarette was almost half an inch long. He stared at it, cross-eyed, and stayed very still. The cigarette wobbled slightly between his lips, but the length of ash didn’t fall. Just a little more, yeah. He took a long drag, the paper edging the ash flaring orange-bright. It crept towards him a millimeter, then another. He let the smoke out through his nose, not wanting to disturb the ash, and, ignoring the fact that now his nose was burning something awful, took another drag on the cigarette. The ash-line crept closer, closer, and just a little more, when suddenly, with a slight puff of particles, the ash split in two and crumbled away.

            “Fuck!” Kenny growled, spitting the cigarette out into the snow. He glared at it for a moment before stomping on it with his shoe. Stupid cigarette. He folded his arms on his knees and turned to face the redhead sitting next to him. Kyle watched him with eyes as grey and dark as the sky above him, and Kenny almost thought he was nervous. He looked it, for sure, with that wide-eyed stare and the way his hands kept fidgeting in his lap.

            “So?” Kenny asked finally. They’d been sitting on the log at the edge of Stark’s Pond in silence for the past half hour. It was getting a little… unnerving.

            “Kenny…” Kyle started, finally clasping his hands together to keep them from dancing all over his lap. “I’m sorry, I really am. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to piss you off like that. Really.”

            “Right.” Kenny said, not changing his tone. He held Kyle’s eyes, saw the frustration running through them.

            “Kenny, dude, I know I go a little overboard with homework and shit-” Kyle began. Kenny laughed harshly, interrupting him.

            “A little overboard? Fuck, you go fucking _obsessive_ with making the grade,” Kenny said. Kyle’s face darkened slightly for a moment before turning back. Kenny shook his head. “Dude, whatever. You feel like you gotta do it, all right. Just don’t fucking ask me to come over to spend time with you if there’s not time with you being spent…”

            Kyle sighed deeply, looking down at the ground between his feet.

            “Oh, and stop calling me a bitch. Its fucking annoying.” Kenny muttered, looking up at the sky. The stars were starting to come out, one by one. He felt Kyle shift next to him, felt his hand touch his arm gently.

            “Kenny, fuck, I was stupid, I know…” Kyle said softly. His hand rubbed the blond’s arm gently, and Kenny could feel his eyes on him.

            “Whatever…” Kenny said, sighing. He was tired of being angry and insulted, or whatever the fuck he’d been feeling. He shifted his arm, and Kyle’s hand traveled down to grip his own, fingers intertwined. His touch alone was enough to make Kenny smile; with Kyle around the world didn’t seem so cold, the nights didn’t seem so dark. Everything was better.

            Kyle moved closer so that their sides touched. Reflexively, Kenny lay his head on the taller boys shoulder, eyes half-closed contently. This was so much better than being pissed at each other.

            Of course, he could think of other, more _intimate_ , ways of getting over it, but a cold lake shore wasn’t exactly the place to go about those sorts of things.

            Kyle switched hands, wrapping one arm around Kenny’s back and pulling him close. The blond felt him kiss the top of his head and smiled, basking in the warmth and the happy.

            “I thought it was going to be harder than that…” Kyle whispered, nuzzling Kenny’s head slightly. Kenny snorted.

            “Fuck, whatever. Just stop being a stupid shit and there won’t be any problems.” He said, playing with Kyle’s fingers. The redhead barked a laugh.

            “Oh, oh, so I’m the only stupid shit, huh?” He said, squeezing Kenny tightly. “Is that it? What about you? You‘re saying you don‘t do stupid shit either?”

            “Like what?” Kenny asked, amused. He pulled Kyle’s hand up and bit a finger.

            “Argh…” Kyle blew into his hair angrily. “You’re just an ass.”

            Kenny snickered, pulling Kyle’s loose arm around himself so that Kyle would hold him closer. He shoved over so much he was almost sitting in the redheads lap, and snaked his own arms around Kyle’s waist. Oh yeah, this was good. It’d be better later, later when…. Heh… but for now, this was good. He sighed happily, feeling all warm and fuzzy, as if he’d just eaten some micro waved teddy bears. Or maybe not. Or something. His analogies always sucked. He was just happy to be here, he’d gone way too long without his Kyle.

            _…his Kyle…_

            Funny. When’d he start thinking like that? How…possessive of him. But it sounded right, and it felt right. Ohoho, it felt so fucking right. He didn’t care. He could stay like this for hours. Days. _Years_.

            “Ken…?” Kyle’s voice broke through the fogginess that had suddenly overcome Kenny’s brain. He opened his eyes, blinking blearily. Ugh… he must’ve been falling asleep or something. His thoughts were foggy, and his eyes didn’t want to stay open, but he forced them to. He felt Kyle’s arms tight around him, his hands gripping into the fabric of Kenny’s jacket.

            “Yeah…” Kenny murmured, shifting slightly.

            “You falling asleep?” Kyle asked softly, chuckling. Kenny stifled a yawn in Kyle’s jacket.

            “No.” He really hadn’t been sleeping well lately. And being with Kyle got him so relaxed.

            “Kenny…” Kyle started again, then stopped. Kenny shifted again, finally starting to come back fully to the real world. There was something in Kyle’s voice that was pulling him out of falling asleep again. He felt Kyle’s arms twitch slightly, rearrange themselves around him.

            “Kyle?” Kenny asked, a little put off. He tried to straighten up and look at him, but Kyle’s arms tightened around his sides and pulled him in close. He felt Kyle bury his face in his hair, felt his breath on his scalp. He was happy he’d washed his hair that morning, what with all the face-to-hair Kyle was doing.

            Shit, shit he was actually starting to get worried now. Kyle wasn’t acting like he usually did in situations like these. Usually, by this time, he’d be nibbling on Kenny’s ear or running his hands up his shirt and making hooded references to their ‘secret getaway, and eventually they’d be walking off to that cabin in the woods, pressed so tight together they’d be stumbling every few steps.

            He wouldn’t be burying his face in Kenny’s hair and pulling him close like this was the last time they were to see each other, ever.

            “Its… its just, Kenny… I missed you so much…” Kyle whispered. The way he said it almost sounded funny, almost, like they hadn’t seen each other for months, not just a eight days. Kenny would’ve laughed, if the situation wasn’t slightly disturbing him. “I mean, I really got scared. And… I just started thinking about shit… a lot of thinking…”

            His voice faded away for a moment. Kenny found himself staring out over the thawing lake, but he wasn’t really seeing it. He could feel himself breathing, but he wasn’t really conscious of it. Something about Kyle’s words was holding him on an edge. Something about them was keeping him frozen, right there, in that moment. Something about the way Kyle spoke was making his heart hammer in his chest.

            “…I don’t wanna lose you, Kenny…” Kyle said finally, his voice low, husky with emotion. His hands were shaking slightly. “…I love you…”

            …

            There were things that Kenny understood. There were things that confused the fuck out of him. And then there were things that were so _undeniably alien_ to him that he had no way of responding, no way of knowing _how_ to respond.

            This just happened to be one of those things.

            Kenny pushed away from Kyle, sitting up to look at him. He looked into his eyes, grey and deep and so full of _it_.

            _This is real_ , they said. _We’re not fucking around, he’s telling the truth_.

            Kenny’s mind, however, wasn’t quite ready to decipher those facts yet.

            _love_

_Love_

_LOVE_

            He was shaking. He was shaking, but he could only tell because he could see his hand on Kyle’s shoulder. He was detached. He couldn’t feel it. He _couldn’t feel_. He should say something. Fuck, he had to say something. A confession, _a confession_ , like that deserved a response.

            He couldn’t speak. He wasn’t panicking, but he wasn’t anything, either. He should say something. What if Kyle - _I love you_ \- fuck, what if Kyle thought his silence meant…? Meant? Meant he didn’t back, meant that he wasn’t ready to… meant, meant… what if Kyle got mad he hadn’t said anything yet? He should say something - _I love you­_ \- he had to say something…

            He expected Kyle to get angry. He expected him to get sad. He expected him to get a dozen different things.

            Instead, he saw Kyle smile softly at him. He felt Kyle reach up a hand and brush away a few strands of hair out of his eyes, felt his hand linger on his cheek for a long while, thumb gently stroking his skin. He saw Kyle wait patiently for his mind to digest the words and give him the meaning. Wait patiently for him to deliver his words.

            “You so know me…” Kenny breathed. And hated himself for it. Fuck, fuck, that was not what you said to someone right after they said they loved you. No, that wasn’t. Shit. But he couldn’t help it. In that moment, he’d believed. Kyle could’ve taken him out, he could’ve bought him a car, fuck, he could’ve given him the stars, but it was that moment, right there, that made Kenny believe.

            And he still couldn’t…

            “Yeah, I so do…” Kyle chuckled, and Kenny saw him relax. The redhead pulled him close, left a lingering kiss on his forehead.

            “Kyle, Kyle… shit… I..” Kenny tried desperately. The words caught in his throat, his lips wouldn’t form them. _What is it, what IS it?_ His mind asked. He couldn’t, couldn’t. He knew, he _knew_ it, but his head couldn’t comprehend. The words didn’t want to come out.

            And all he could think was that he didn’t want to lose it, didn’t want to lose this moment, where everything was supposed to be happy, when everything was supposed to be shiny and wonderful and fuck, he was ruining it, ruining it, he knew, all because he couldn’t get the words out, all because no matter how much he felt it, how true he knew it was, it just wouldn’t come out. The words eluded him.

            He raised his face, looking into Kyle’s eyes desperately. His hands made it to Kyle’s hair, fingers clenching in its short length. There was so much, so much inside of him that was suddenly welling up. Everything, everything he’d ever felt for Kyle was boiling inside him, wanting out, out, because he knew it was true. Because he knew that it _was_.

            And still the words wouldn’t come.

            “Kyle…” He breathed, scared. Scared. He didn’t want to lose him either. He didn’t want to go without him.

            “I know,” Kyle murmured, his eyes so deep. He leaned forward, lips touching lips, and Kenny pressed into him desperately. It was just starting to _really_ hit him. It was just starting to - _love_ \- really get to him. He was just starting to truly, _truly_ , understand.

            Kyle pulled him close, so close, and Kenny pressed against him. He opened his lips, felt Kyle’s tongue plunge in, in. Fuck. Kenny wanted _more_ , he wanted _deeper_ … He couldn’t tell Kyle… he couldn’t catch the words that hovered just beyond the tip of his tongue, but he could show him, couldn’t he? He could show him just how much he meant to him. Just how much he… just how much he did…

            He’d tell him, someday. He’d tell him, when the words really, truly became _real_ , when they stopped being something he’d dreamed about on lonely quiet nights.

            He’d tell him, when he finally came to grips with the fact that something so pure, and so wonderful, and so amazing really _could_ exist in the world.

_…love…_


	12. Chapter 12

“Kenny?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Actually…”

            “…yeah?”

            “Uh… I didn’t… I didn’t do as well on the SATs as I told you…”

            “What?!”

            _THUMP_

            “Ow! Fuck, you didn’t have to-”  
            Kenny sat up in his bed, glaring down at the half-naked redhead on the floor. Kyle was glaring back at him, rubbing his side and grumbling angrily.

            “Kyle! What the fuck are you talking about?! You said-” Kenny started, but Kyle interrupted.

            “Look, I know, but… come on, Kenny…” Kyle folded his arms on the bed, still sitting on the floor, and looked up at the blond. “Its no big deal… I‘ll just take it in the fall, with _you_ …”

            Kenny crossed his arms, sitting Indian-style on the bed, and watched Kyle warily. No big deal, no big deal.

            “So…” He started, feeling just a _little_ pissy, not much. “So, you went AWOL studying, and fucked me over, just so you could go and NOT do good on the SATs, is that it?”

            “KENNY!” Kyle half-screamed, half-groaned in exasperation, He stretched his arms out on the bed to get a hold on Kenny’s knees. “It wasn’t that I wasn’t prepared, I knew that shit. I _owned_ that shit.”

            “Then what happened?” Kenny scooted back, but Kyle kept pushing himself forward to try and grab him by the legs.

            “What happened-” Kyle let out a grunt and he dragged himself onto the bed on his stomach. “What happened is that I couldn’t focus…”

            “Hmph,” Kenny finally had to stop trying to get away, there wasn’t enough bed behind him to allow for that. Instead he intensified the glare on Kyle. The redhead pulled himself over and sat up, leaning in close.

            “I just couldn’t stop thinking about you…” Kyle breathed into the blonde’s ear, nuzzled his neck. Kenny shrugged away, snorted. Kyle just loved being distracting in moments like this.

            “Well, I guess I _am_ kinda hard to stop thinking about…” Kenny admitted, grinning. Kyle leaned in again, leaving a trail of soft kisses down his neck and bare shoulder. Kenny put his arms down, grabbing to keep from falling backwards off the bed. “Kyle, shit, I’m gonna fall off…”

            “Hmm…” Kyle grinned, a little evilly, and before Kenny could move he shoved him over to the side and onto his back. Straddling the blonde, he planted a short kiss on his lips before resuming his previous actions, this time traveling down the front of Kenny’s chest. “That better?”

            “Kyle… Ky---ah!’ Kenny squirmed as Kyle hit a sensitive spot. His fingers had found themselves in Kyle’s hair, and he gripped it tightly. As Kyle’s hand found its way down the front of his pants, he decided to stop pretending to fight and just go with it.

 

***

 

            Kenny was in a good mood. The fact that his asshole of a brother had eaten his share of the breakfast before Kenny had even gotten to the table wasn’t even enough to foul things up. His mother gave him a strange look as she gathered up the dishes from breakfast, putting them in the sink and turning back around to look at him some more.

            Maybe it was because he just looked _happy_ , or maybe it was because he was humming random happy tunes, or maybe it was because his sister was pulling at his hair and telling him she was going to put in flower and heart barrettes in it as he sat there drinking his quarter glass of orange juice and he _wasn’t_ telling her to fuck off.

            His mother shook her head and headed out the back door, saying something about bringing in the laundry.

            His dad appeared, scratching at his head sleepily and grumbling a good morning to everyone.

            Kenny grinned at him, an event so momentous that it caused his half-comatose father to stop, stare, and wonder what in hell’s name his son had gotten into this time, whether it was poisonous or not, and whether he’d have to change the lock on the abandoned meth-lab-shack they still had standing at the way back of their property.

            Kenny could’ve been happy for a lot of reasons, but not _this_ happy.

            But, today was special after all.

            Today was the first day of summer vacation.

            Which meant, today was the first day of almost three months when he could be with Kyle as much as he wanted to.

            Without worrying about curfews (for Kyle).

            Without worrying about homework (for them both).

            Without worrying that there wouldn’t be time for them between school and work (for Kenny).

            _Fuck yes_.

            Life was good.

 

            He finished the rest of his O.J., told his sister the barrettes would have to wait, put the empty glass in the sink and headed out the front door, still humming happily.

            The sun was shining bright, the birds were singing, the world was bright and merry.

            All of this, however, wasn’t for him to see, apparently, as he found himself being pushed back into his house.

            “What? WHOA, wait a second? What the _fuck_ is going on-” Kenny barely kept himself from falling over, and frowned, watching a frantic-looking Kyle shut and lock the door behind him. The redhead turned to him, grey eyes stormy, breath ragged as if he’d just ran a few miles.

            “Kenny…” His voice came out strained, and Kenny realized that it was because Kyle had, indeed, run.

            “Kyle, dude, what the hell is going on?” He reached out, grabbing him by the shoulders, and Kyle relaxed a little. Still, when he grabbed a hold of Kenny, his hands were shaky, his grip tight.

            “Kenny…” He repeated, then his voice choked off. His face flickered between despair and anger.

            Something began writhing in the pit of Kenny’s stomach, but he gritted his teeth.

            “Kyle, what’s wrong?” He asked again, keeping his eyes on the redhead’s. Kyle took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

            “Kenny…” He said, once again. “Kenny…. _They know_ …”

            It took a moment for the words to sink in, but suddenly that cold, _cold_ , feeling descended on the blonde. The thing in the pit of his stomach wasn’t just writhing, it was tossing itself around like a fucking ocean storm, but the rest of him felt freezing.

            “What.” He choked out. Kyle’s eyes took on a desperate edge.

            “They know, Kenny!” His voice had dropped to a whisper.

            “What.” Kenny found himself, once again, unable to form any other words.

            “They know, I don’t know how they found out, but they did! They did! SHIT! Shit shit shit…” Kyle started swearing in a language Kenny definitely couldn’t understand, but he knew it was swear words from the way they tore themselves out of Kyle’s mouth.

            “C…calm down…” Kenny said, patting his shoulders comfortingly. “Calm down, it can’t… it can’t be that bad…”

            “Kenny,” Kyle groaned, “These are my parents we’re talking about!”

            “Fuck, FUCK, no, no, it’s… its gonna be okay…” Kenny said, still patting Kyle’s shoulders, but his movements were erratic, and only made the redhead jumpier. “It has to be okay…”

            The doorbell rang.

It wasn’t quite a sinister sound, _per se_. Kenny had never liked it considering it just sounded like the buzz of electricity, and reminded him of that one time an electric pylon had blown a connector and landed on him, but other than that it wasn’t bad.

            Usually, he found himself ignoring it and letting someone else do the walking to open the door.

            This time, he found himself gripped tightly by a very frightened redhead, who, it seemed, was trying to _fuse_ with him, apparently. Kenny shuddered, turning wide eyes to the door.

            It looked so forbidding, suddenly. The cracked and peeling lacquer had never seemed so _horrifying_ before.

            The doorbell rang again, longer this time, the person pushing it definitely impatient.

            Kyle whimpered. Kenny joined in.

            “WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?!”

            Stuart McCormick, closed beer bottle in one hand, bottle opener in the other, stalked out of the kitchen and up to the front door, barely sparing a glance at the two huddling boys across from it.

            Kyle stiffened against Kenny as soon as the man had entered, but he didn’t loose his grip.

            “Dad…” Kenny croaked, trying to stop him. The blond man turned to him eyes narrowed in anger.

            “What?” His hand was on the doorknob, and Kenny almost had the words out, but before he could speak the doorbell sounded again. “Fer fuck’s sake!”

            The door slammed open, revealing a very, very fuming Shelia Broflovski. Kyle shoved away from Kenny roughly, still close but not on him anymore. Kenny shuddered, trying to avoid the burning glare directed at him from the Broflovski matriarch. Cartman was right, she had fucking _lasers_ for eyes.

            “Whaddya want, woman?” Stuart growled, hand with beer bottle hanging loose, the other hand still gripping both doorknob and bottle opener, clenched tight so that the knuckles turned white.

            “I came for my son, Stuart.” Sheila’s words were tight, clipped, spit out from between clenched teeth.

            Funny, not exactly the moment for it, but Kenny could definitely see where Kyle got some of his angry-mannerisms from. Ha…

            Stuart half turned, looked at the boys standing off to the side now, and turned back to the fuming redheaded woman.

            “And I also wanted to tell you that I no longer want my son coming to this house.” Sheila added. Stuart snorted.

            “He’s yer son, that’s yer business, not mine.” He said. He looked over at the boys again for a moment, and Kenny could see the gears in his head turning, slowly, slowly, but turning. Kyle was shuddering next to him, and Kenny could see him clenching and unclenching his fists.

            “Don’t you want to know _why_ , Stuart?” Sheila said, in that tone of voice that said no matter what the answer, she would tell him anyway.

            “Why?” Stuart crossed his arms.

            “First, I want Kyle to get out here.” Sheila turned her eyes on her son, and Kyle glared back. There was a stalemate for a minute, neither one giving in, and Kenny only got more and more nervous as time went on. He gave Kyle a push finally.

            “Go on, it’ll be okay…” He whispered when Kyle gave him a look of disbelief. He paused for a second, then made his way stiffly to the door. Sheila grabbed his arm tightly, pulling him out of the house to stand behind her.

            Stuart just watched in mild curiosity, but mostly annoyance. His beer was getting warm.

            “And?” He said finally.

            “I will not have your son hanging around my Kyle any longer…” She began, her voice seething.

            “And what, you want me to tell ma boy he can’t hang ‘round wit’ his friends any longer?” Stuart said. “Look, Kenny can go hang ‘round anyone he wants to, I’m not gonna tell him any diff’rent.”

            “I will NOT have him engaging in any more _debauchery_ with MY SON.” Sheila burst out finally. Stuart blinked, and Kenny shared in the moment of confusion.

            “Deba…. What the hell you talking about, woman?” Stuart was getting pissed now. Great. That’s just what this situation needed.

            Kenny felt some relief with the thought that at least he hadn’t had his beer yet.

            Now _that_ would have been a train wreck.

            “If your son,” Shelia spat the word out as if it left a bad taste in her mouth, “Wants to experiment with his _homosexuality_ , let him do it with someone ELSE!”

            “MOM!” Kyle looked at his mother in shock.

            “QUIET KYLE!” Sheila yelled out, not even turning to look at him. Kyle sputtered into silence, his eyes flicking over to meet Kenny’s. Kenny fidgeted, but tried to send him a reassuring grin. Inside, though, that thing in the pit of his stomach was trying to burn fucking holes through his skin.

            Stuart had gotten very, very still. The fact that he had gotten very still was the reason Kenny had turned his attention to him. He saw the stony look on his fathers face, the way his fingers were clenched around the neck of the bottle in his hand. He saw it, and felt himself draw away a little.

            “You callin’ ma son a homo?” Stuart’s voice was quiet, and low. His eyes held a dangerous, steely glint. “You callin’ him _gay_ now?”

            “I’m only telling you what I know, Stuart, and if-” Shelia started, but was interrupted by a roar from the blond man.

            “GAHDDAMMIT WOMAN!” He flung one hand out to point at Kenny, and the blond winced in anticipation.

            _Oh god, Kyle, god god, shit…_

_I’m sorry I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry…_

_Shit_

_Shit_

_Shit_

            “KENNY’S NOT GAY!” Stuart yelled out, face contorted in anger, “HE’S BI!”

            _…shit…_

            Silence crashed down, interrupted only by the surprised sputtering of Sheila. Kenny hazarded a glance, caught Kyle giving him wide-eyed look of surprised.

            Kenny _hadn’t_ lied, he hadn’t.

            He wasn’t gay.

            Gay and Bi were totally different.

            Totally.

            “WHAT?!” SHeila exclaimed, “You knew this?!”

            “A’course I knew, I knew since he was thirteen and the priest told us to take ‘im to some doctor or couns’ler or something’…” There was a pause, and then Stuart gave her a hard eyed look that made her draw back, and continued in a low, quiet voice. “And ya know what, Sheila? _I_ don’ treat him no diff’rent than anyone else… how’s about that?”

            “We’re leaving, Kyle.” Sheila’s voice had dropped, but her eyes still flickered angrily. She gripped Kyle’s arm tightly and began pulling him away.

            Kenny tried to keep Kyle’s gaze as he got dragged away, but the redhead seemed to be so confused at the moment that he didn’t seem able to focus on anything.

            The door slammed shut just as Sheila dragged Kyle over the tracks and up to the shiny car on the other side.

            Kenny looked everywhere, everywhere, the peeling wallpaper, the cracked ceiling, fuck, he started looking for rat holes in corners, anywhere, anything, as long as he didn’t have to look up at his father.

            “Kenny…” Stuart started, his voice low and controlled. Kenny gulped, still looking elsewhere. “What’d I tell you, boy? Huh?”

            “Just drop it, dad!” Kenny spun around to walk away, but Stuart gripped him by the shoulder, tight enough to hurt, and pulled him along to the kitchen. A shove got Kenny onto one of the chairs by the table, the wobbly one his sister sat on because she weighed so little that it didn’t wobble with her on it.

            Stuart sat down across from him, setting his beer bottle on the table and putting the bottle opener next to it. Kenny finally forced himself to look up at his father’s face. The man frowned, leaning back in his chair.

            “I don’t want to talk about it, all right?” Kenny muttered, leaning back in his own chair and crossing his arms.

            “Dammit, boy! Yer gonna talk about it whether you like it or not!” Stuart growled, slamming a fist into the table hard enough to wobble the bottle.

            The kitchen door shoved open, and Carol walked in, laundry basket in hand and scowl on her face.

            “Dammit, Stuart, whatchu yellin’ at the boy fer now?” She set the basket on the counter and turned to face him, hands on her hips. “What’d I tell ya ‘bout yellin’ at ‘im fer no reason?”

            “Quiet, woman! I got a reason, so you just buzz off and go ‘bout yer woman business…” Stuart growled.

            Kenny slid down in his seat, feeling suddenly caught between a rock and a hard place.

            “Aw, yeah? And what reason issit?” Carol stood next to her son.

            “He’s been fuckin’ ‘round with that redheaded bitch’s son, and now she’s actin’ like its some sorta huge catastrophe or somethin‘…” Stuart gripped the bottle opener tightly and de-capped the beer with a loud _SNAP_.

            Kenny groaned, rolling his eyes. He wanted to be somewhere, anywhere but here. God-fucking-dammit. Just his fucking luck…

            “Stuart, the couns’ler said that it ain’t Kenny’s fault, and I believe ‘im, and I don’t see why yer getting all riled up about it…” Carol fixed her husband with a stern look.

            “I KNOW! That’s not the fuckin’ point!” He turned his steely-eyed gaze at his son now, and Kenny shrank into his seat even more. “What’d I tell you boy? What’d I tell you abou’ going ‘round and gettin’ wit’ other boys?”

            Kenny stared hard at the cracked edge of the table, trying to block out everythin. FUCK. Hell just went down, and his dad was getting pissy about _that_?

            “Answer me when I talk to ya, boy!” Stuart slammed his fist into the table again, and Kenny jumped.

            “You tol’ me to tell ya…” Kenny muttered, wincing slightly at his own voice. Great, now he was fucked up enough to start talking like his parents, that’s just _wonderful_.

            “Tha’s right, and ya know why? So we wouldn’ have to go through somethin’ like _that_.” Stuart sat back in his chair, crossing his arms and fixing Kenny with a very, very stern look.

            “Yer father’s right, Kenny,” Carol nodded, putting a hand on Kenny’s shoulder. “Ya did promise us.”  
            “Do ya know how much trouble there woulda been?!” Kenny shot out suddenly, wincing again. Fuck, _POOR_ must be a dialect or something.

            “Ya mean, more than it is now?” Stuart took a swig of his beer, and shook his head. “Whatever, do what ya want. Just figured ya woulda picked someone… _diff’rent…_ to just fuck ‘round with…”  
            “I AIN’T JUST FUCKIN’ ‘ROUND!” Kenny yelled, standing up and slamming his fist into the table in one movement. God, GOD, having this conversation after just having your boyfriend - _fuck, BOYFRIEND_ \- dragged away from you by his fucking bitch of a mom just wasn’t a good idea.

            Carol looked at Kenny in shock. Stuart looked at Kenny in disbelief.

            Suddenly. Kenny realized what he’d said.

            “Fuck…” He groaned, backing away from the table.

            “You tellin’ me this’s somethin’ serious, boy?” Stuart’s eyes narrowed as he leaned forward.

            “Fuck off!” Kenny growled, turning around and heading for the stairs as quick as he could.

            “KENNY! Don’t you talk to yer father like that!” HIs mother’s voice followed him, but he ignored it, ignored the sounds of a new-begun argument that began brewing in the kitchen, and took the steps up two at a time.

            He rushed to his room, slammed the door shut, and turned around to throw himself on the bed.

            His sister looked up at him from her case of hair accessories. A brush and comb lay next to her on the bed.

            Kenny’s insides boiled. Fuck, fuck, now? NOW?! Now she decides she wants to do this. He opened his mouth to tell her to fuck off, to go back to her own room, but she looked at him with those wide, blue eyes and smiled, and he felt the words choke in his throat.

            “That sure was a lot of yellin’, huh Kenny?” She said. “But its jus’ like gramma always said, “After you get run over, you need to jus’ lay down and relax for a bit.“, huh?”

            He found himself unable to answer. There she was, definitely having heard everything that had just gone down, and she wasn’t any different than she had been that morning. He finally found some words, managed to get them past his tightened throat.

            “You heard everything?”

            “Uh-huh.”

            “You…you know what it all means?”  
            “Sure, I guess…”  
            “…and?”  
            “And wha’? You said you’d let me do your hair later, and its later.”

            She grinned at him again.

            He wanted to be with Kyle.

            He wanted to get over to that house and drag him out of there and take him somewhere where everyone was as awesome and sweet and unconditional as his sister.

            “All right… all right, let’s do it then…” He sat down on the bed next to her, grinning as she got into her ‘hair-dresser’ mode, and tried to look serious.

            “Its like granpa always said, Kenny, “The nights full of dark and spooky, but the morning always brings the sunshine in.” She said, pulling the comb through his hair.

            “Yeah, that’s right…” Kenny laughed softly, feeling the anger melt away.

            Tomorrow, there’d be sun.

            There’d be sun, if he had to fucking make it himself.


	13. Chapter 13

The log they sat on was old, half-buried in the ground beneath them. Kenny sat staring up at the sky above them, knee-to-knee and shoulder-to-shoulder with Kyle. He tried to believe in the sunlight shining down from the cloudless blue above, tried to believe in the warmth and the light it presented, but it wasn’t easy. Too many thoughts were on his mind. Too many things were making it difficult to focus.

            “I didn’t know your parent’s knew…” Kyle said, his hand on Kenny’s knee. The blonde could feel his restless fingers moving across it absently. Kyle was just as lost in his own thoughts as Kenny.

            “No one else needed to know about it…” Kenny replied, sighing and turning to look at the redhead. “They get enough shit for just being poor.”

            Kyle nodded in understanding, but still looked thoughtful. Kenny frowned.

            “You know, they scream a lot and shit but they’re really good people,” He said, thinking that maybe that was what was worrying him. Kyle looked at him, grinning, then laughed.

            “Trust me, I know…” He said, “If they weren’t, I wouldn’t be here right now…”  
            He nodded to Kenny’s house standing closer to the train tracks. The back door opened, and Kenny’s mom chased out a black and white cat that went streaking off towards the forest. Seeing the two, she waved to them before going back inside.

            “What’s going to happen now?” Kenny asked after a moment, staring off in the direction of the house but seeing something totally different. Kyle shifted next to him, nervously maybe.

            “I’m…” He started, then stopped. Kenny didn’t look at him, thinking that maybe if he didn’t, then the words Kyle was about to say wouldn’t come out. Unfortunately, the fates weren’t with him today anymore than they ever were, and the words forced themselves out of the unwilling redhead. “I’m going to New York for the summer.”

            Kenny closed his eyes, his fingers clenching in the fabric of his jeans. He felt Kyle shift next to him again, pressing his side closer.

            “New York?” He said finally, opening his eyes and turning to look at Kyle.

            “Yeah…” Kyle sighed, “My mom wanted to send me to my cousins in Israel, but…”

            “What? With all the fucking suicide bombers and, and fucking missiles, and-” Kenny growled. Kyle put a hand on his arm to stop him, and a slight grin flickered over his lips.

            “Yeah, that’s what my dad said.” He looked away for a moment, then looked back at Kenny.

            “So. So they’re sending you to fucking New York for the summer…” Kenny growled some more, but was keeping his anger in check. There wasn’t any use for letting it get the best of him now, anyway. It wasn’t Kyle’s fault this shit was happening. “Isn’t that.. That’s fucking… shit, what’s the word? Its… _cliché_ , that’s what it fucking is, its fucking cliché.”

            Kyle laughed, so suddenly and so out-of-nowhere that Kenny nearly jumped off the log in surprise.

            “What the fuck? What’s so fucking funny?” Kenny frowned, watching as the redhead bent double in his laughter.

            “Shit, you’re so right Kenny…” Kyle shook his head, wiping the back of one hand over his eyes. “So fucking right… its fucking cliché…”      

            “It is.” Kenny said, still slightly unsure just what the hell had happened. Kyle sat up again, but although he had been laughing, the lingering traces of his smile were quickly fading from his face. He gazed at Kenny, _gazed_ , Kenny admitted it was a gaze, because he was looking in his eyes as if he was trying to read all his secrets, and trying to expose all of his own. Kenny felt himself go a little cold, because he had the feeling that a gaze like that couldn’t lead to anything good. Good gazes were the ones where you both grinned at each other, or just stared at each other for long minutes, for no other reason than you could. This gaze was of the other kind, the desperate kind, where the person who was doing the gazing knew they had to say something important, but didn’t know if their words would be enough to explain it, to explain everything.

            “Kenny, Kenny, I swear, I swear to fucking everything, that I’ll call, and I’ll write, whenever I can,” Kyle said, his voice fast and low and serious and sounding like he was just about to embark on a journey to the top of Kilimanjaro. “I swear, I fucking swear, Kenny… I…”

            “Hey, hey…” Kenny twisted around and grabbed Kyle by the shoulders, not liking the way Kyle’s eyes had gotten all desperate and dark looking. He leaned in a little closer, just a little.

            “Kyle… its… I know, I know its gonna be hard…” He rubbed Kyle’s shoulders, but the redhead didn’t seem to be relaxing any. “I’ll be here… okay? I’m still gonna be here when you get back, so don’t worry…”

            Kyle put his arms around Kenny’s waist, drawing him even closer, so close their foreheads and noses touched. He seemed a little calmer than a few moments ago, but he still looked into Kenny’s eyes with that desperation, that… that _pleading_ , that had been in them.

            “I’ll try, Kenny… I’ll try…” He swallowed hard, closing his eyes. “I don’t know what they’ll let me do… You know how my mom is, she’ll probably be checking anything that I want to send out, or, or she’ll be listening in when I use the phone, or something, fuck, she’ll figure something out… But I’ll try, I really will…”

            “Shhh…” Kenny brushed back a few stray curls off of Kyle’s forehead. He was scared, too scared to try to say anything at that moment. Fuck, everything was going wrong. Everything always went wrong for him, anyway. He should be used to it. But this time, this time he thought… well, it didn’t matter anymore. Someone out there just didn’t like him too much, it seemed. He only wished they wouldn’t fucking toy around with Kyle too. God, Satan, whatever Powers That Be, should know better than that. They shouldn’t punish anyone just for loving someone else.

            Unless, of course, all those stupid things they preached about in Church were right. Unless God really _was_ ready to punish two guys for getting together. Kenny frowned, pulling closer to Kyle. He felt the redhead shudder, wrap his arms even tighter around him. Kenny had met God on more occasions than he’d wanted to, really. But God never seemed as rigid and strict as people made him out to be. Besides, he doubted that a being that was supposedly the center of all goodness in the universe would be able to hate anyone for something as stupid as this.

            The wind blew in suddenly, harshly, and the branches of the trees behind them rustled. The wind roared between the trunks, an ominous sound, and Kenny buried his face in Kyle’s shoulder, hoping to ignore it. It was making him feel cold again, even though the sun shone bright. It was making his stomach clench and his breath come ragged and fast.

            Shit, he hated moments like these. Hated moments where that feeling would come creeping on him, a feeling he couldn’t even begin to describe. Each time it was different, each time it left a different taste in the back of his mouth. Sour, bitter, sometimes he could feel the bile rise in the back of his throat so quick he’d barely have time to choke it back. Either way, it all pointed to the same thing. The foreboding wouldn’t leave him.

            “Kyle…”

            Kenny jerked, his mom’s voice pulling him out of his thoughts. Kyle’s arms clenched around him, he felt the redhead go rigid.

            “Kyle, yer… yer fathers here…”

            Kenny managed to twist a little in Kyle’s hold, just enough to see his mom stand on the back porch for a moment, uncertain, then turn and head back into the house again.

            “I… I have to go…” Kyle’s voice dropped to a whisper, and he pulled away slightly. Kenny’s hands clenched spasmodically in the fabric of his jacket. He looked at Kyle, panic suddenly rushing through him.

            “Kyle…” He started, his voice cracking. He tried again, but he couldn’t get more words out. “Kyle…”

            “I’ll… I’ll come back before I have to leave…” Kyle said, his voice low. “I will.”

            Kenny knew it was a lie. It was a lie, but not because Kyle wouldn’t come. Kenny knew the fucking bitch that was his mom wouldn’t let him come back. He clung to Kyle, desperately, awfully aware that this would be the last time he saw him for months.

            “Kyle, don’t…” His voice shook, and he pulled closer, trying to get it to stop. “Don’t forget me Kyle…”

            “Kenny…” Kyle’s voice was filled with shock. “Do you think I’d…? Never, shit, I’d never do that… I love you Kenny, _I love you_ …”

            The words burned on Kenny’s tongue. They ached in his heart. But he opened his mouth and nothing came out. He was failing, again. Just like before, just like every time before. He could try to force them, he could make them come out, because he knew they were there, knew they were real because he could feel it.

            Kyle smiled softly, seeing the struggle in his eyes, seeing how desperately he tried to make the feelings into something tangible. He curled his fingers in Kenny’s hair, leaned in closer.

            “I know…” He whispered, and Kenny knew that it was true, but it didn’t help. The wind was picking up, blowing harder around them. It was chill, cutting through their clothes, and the air smelled metallic. Desperately, he pulled Kyle closer, kissed him, felt Kyle clutch him, felt the _need_ in his touch that matched his own. For a moment, they managed to lose themselves, to let go of everything and live in the feeling, in the warmth.

            Their kiss began with the sun shining, but ended with sunlight fading. Dark clouds raced across the sky, blotting the sun out and darkening the world around them. Kenny clutched his arms to himself, watching as Kyle walked slowly down to the road. He stopped often, turning around to look back even long after it got hard to see.

            The rain was falling hard by the time the car roared down the road. Kenny sat, unmoving, unseeing, feeling the water soak through his hoodie and shirt, feeling it run down his back and soak through his shoes. He shuddered, fighting desperately against he feeling of loss that surrounded him, bore into him, clawed through him.

            It was going to be a long, dark summer.


End file.
